Thursday, December 31, 2009

Best from the Late Night Comedians - 12/31/09

Here are the best jokes from the past week by the late night comedians.

"President Obama's daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad's gift. She won't say what it is but she did say, 'It's something he likes.' Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?" –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957. –Conan O'Brien

"Traffic is bad, the holiday with the gridlock. It's like Dick Cheney, all major arteries are clogged." –David Letterman

"Oh, I love this — did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? Yesterday, President Obama said his wife, Michelle, decided they should not buy each other Christmas gifts this year. Mr. President, if you’re listening, it’s a trap! Listen! She doesn’t mean it. Go shopping. Let me tell you something Mr. President, if you don’t buy her a gift, you better hope health care passes." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Al Qaeda’s second in command is now calling on women to become suicide bombers. To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives, because, as you know, women aren't allowed to drive over there." –Jay Leno

"It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno

"The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"You know who had a great year in 2009? Wall Street bankers — they had a bailout and still get bonuses. So there's a lesson here: In America it's better to be a fat cat than a horny tiger." –Jay Leno

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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Blame it on the Testosterone

Through intense scientific research (meaning I saw an article in the newspaper that was located next to the comics) I have discovered information that is likely to make women feel superior to men.  There may be a multitude of reasons for them to feel that way, but this is scientific fact.

It turns out that in the first ten weeks of fetal development all brains are female.  Then, in boys, a huge surge of testosterone hits the brain, killing cells in the communication center and growing them in the sex and aggression center.  This explains why men don’t like to talk about their feelings unless those feelings are penis related and also why we leave the toilet seat up when we go to the bathroom as it allows us to be more aggressive in our return trips as we no longer have to bend over to lift the seat.

Because of the testosterone, the male fetus typically lags three weeks behind the female neurologically at birth.  And according to what I’ve heard many females say the gap widens from there.

On the plus side for us men though, the testosterone poisoning does come in handy later because it helps some coordination neurons develop better which allows us to catch footballs, basketballs, and baseballs more easily.  This is vital to society because if not for those skills there would be no sports on television and then there would be no place for the beer companies to show their commercials.

Testosterone is the thing that makes men and women different.  Women with their greater communication skills like to talk about intimacy, and men, because they have more testosterone, like to be intimate (to be clear here, the male definition of intimacy is having sex.)  Women, when the car breaks down, will say they think they heard the doohickey rattling before it broke.  Men due to their greater testosterone levels, will open the hood of the car and nod knowingly and pretend to fix it before they take the car to a professional to get it fixed.  And lastly, when a woman passes gas it will be a great source of embarrassment, but to a man, again, thanks to testosterone, will turn such an event into uncontrollable laughter and entertainment.

Nature, in its infinite wisdom, develops the female brain very precisely with less variation in how girl’s brains develop, which is why women universally think the dress they are wearing makes their ass look fat.  On the other hand the male brain has many more variables which is why sometimes you get Einstein and sometimes Larry the Cable Guy.

I can almost hear two of these fetal brain cells having a conversation prior to the testosterone attack that turns them male:

First female brain cell:  Let go to lunch and have a nice talk about our feelings.

Second Female brain cell:  That sounds great but I’m not really hungry I just had a testosterone snack.

First cell: Oh, what’s that like?

Second cell:  Well I heard it was good for when you’re feeling bloated, so I thought what harm could it do .

First cell: I heard it make you stupid though.

Second cell:  Really, I never heard….WHOA!  I think it just kicked in, talk about a stimulus act.  I’ll bet Obama didn’t have this kind of stimulus in mind when he came up with economic stimulus.   Bill Clinton and Kennedy were probably thinking this way though.

First cell:  Oh my goodness, what’s happening?

Second cell:  I don’t know, but you suddenly look awful darn hot to me.  How about we skip lunch and go to my place and see what we can cook up there? If you get my meaning.

And there you have it women, we were just like you until the testosterone hit us. So it’s not really our fault at all.

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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Observations from a Trip to Disneyland

I went to Disneyland with my family.  I forgot how things were done there.   Fantasyland isn’t what I thought it would be, I thought I’d be greeted by some really hot girl…it didn’t happen…not even Annette Funicello.

I had a lot of questions while were there that never got answered.  Mickey and Minnie are supposedly not married, but why do they have the same last name?  Same with Donald and Daisy?

There are 2 dogs in Disneyland, Goofy and Pluto.  Pluto lives the life of a dog and “Goofy” is the one that talks and has a job.

I was watching the parents a lot, why is it okay for parents to pick their children’s nose but not their own?

Of course, in Southern California there is no snow in the wintertime so the kids can’t build snowmen.  Instead, I saw them building a smogman.  Instead of a carrot for the nose they used a broken piece of exhaust pipe and instead of a top hat he wore a gas mask.  And, I heard them singing a song to the tune of Frosty the Snowman but the words were changed a little to, ”Al Gore the smogman, had a very grimy nose, and a lie for a story and that’s his glory…etc., etc.….”, or something like that.

I saw a lot of the little girls at Disneyland still have Barbie dolls.  Barbie is over 50 years old.  I’m waiting for Mattell to tap into a whole new market with an older version of Barbie.  They can make her breasts sag a little, put a cigarette in the side of mouth and sell her to old men who hang out in seedy bars.

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Monday, December 28, 2009

Some More Woody Allen Quotes

A while ago I posted some Woody Allen quotes and here are some more:

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/24/09

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

"In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change." –Jay Leno

"Of course, the storm is the big story, it is unbelievable. It actually paralyzed Washington more than Joe Lieberman. In fact, there was so much white powder in D.C., people thought Marion Barry was mayor again." –Jay Leno

"Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans have always said that the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over, and apparently, it has!" –Jay Leno

"Democrats in Congress have scheduled a vote on health care for Christmas Eve. They said, this issue is so important, we're willing to work even on Christmas Eve. You know, I think that's great. I like that. I mean, anything that keeps drunk drivers off the road on Christmas Eve, you know, I think that's terrific." –Jay Leno

"This is big. The Senate is trying to pass health care by Christmas. They had to take a rare vote last night at 1:00 a.m. Yeah, they scheduled it for 1am because that's when John McCain gets up to pee." –Conan O'Brien

"I saw this today. President Obama said, 'The federal government can no longer spend taxpayers' money like it's Monopoly money.' Especially since now, Monopoly money is actually more valuable than the dollar." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, the U.S. transferred 12 Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Wait, we're sending potential terrorists back to Afghanistan? That's like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it's called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill." –Jay Leno

"Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he's spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man's fantasy life, to living every man's real life." –Conan O'Brien

"The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods' wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she's single she'll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods." –Conan O'Brien

"Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe." –David Letterman

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Gift Wrapping, It’s Not For Everyone

I just finished the annual abuse ritual that I am forced to endure each year around this time.  By that I am referring to wrapping Christmas presents.  I actually dislike wrapping them more than I dislike shopping for them, which is really saying something.

I only shop for and wrap my wife’s gifts. She does all that for the rest of the people we give gifts to, the plight of being a woman, I guess.  But she somehow does this with the same enthusiasm that Tiger Woods has when he discovers a porn star or cocktail waitress that he has not yet “dated”.   I don’t understand it.

This year I had a solution.  I was just going to get one big box and throw all her gifts inside.  That way the torture is over much more quickly.  She got wind of the idea and put the kibosh on it.  I argued it was good for the environment as it saved paper and boxes. She didn’t go for it.  I reasoned that this way would take less room under the tree.  No go.  I suggested how saving time from not wrapping individually would give me more time to reflect on my love for her.  She suggested I reflect, while wrapping, on how much I enjoyed staying married.

I’m pretty sure when those Iraqi suicide bombers are recruited they ask them, “Would you like to wrap presents?  Or, here’s another idea…”  And when they promise them the 70 virgins greeting them in heaven they have to also put a clause in the contract that says, “you don’t have to shop for or wrap gifts for any of them…even the ones you really like a lot.”

I had the idea of buying her a car for Christmas and just sticking a bow on it but this year I couldn’t even afford one of the clunkers that was traded in the “cash for clunkers” deal.  Plus, giving a battered up car as a gift would be like having the wrapping paper all crooked and not very pretty….which is pretty much how the boxes I wrap look anyway, now that I think of it.

I wondered if other men had as much distaste for wrapping gifts as I did.  So, while I was at the mall doing my shopping I thought I’d ask other men what they thought.  I saw a guy sitting on a bench staring out at the crowd.  I said to him,” What do you think of wrapping gifts?”

He kept staring. I repeated the question.  He finally gave an answer which consisted of a loud snore and “zzzzzzzzzzzzzz,” as he fell deeper into sleep.  I took that as a vote for my side.

Next, I decided to go to the gift wrapping department.  I asked a man there why he wasn’t wrapping his own gifts.  He responded with, ”My hands are too big to properly manipulate the paper and tape.”

Being the devil’s advocate, I asked if he was a fisherman.  He very enthusiastically said he was.  So I asked him how he could tie a lure onto the fishing line.  He explained in great detail how that was a different proposition.  To sum it up, though, the reason he could do that is because it was something he enjoyed.

I think it’s safe to say that I am not alone in disliking Christmas gift wrapping.  So let me end by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  (How’s that for a wrap up?  And it’s one I enjoyed!)

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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Jokes Inspired by the News

Here are jokes inspired by recent news:

If you think the storms in the northeast are bad it is a lot worse in Florida. The piercing cold coming from Tiger Woods’ house is threatening the entire orange crop this year.

In a recent study it was discovered that BPA ( a chemical found in plastics) may cause sexual problems for men.  In a related study of several men including Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, John Edwards and others they found philandering can also cause sex problems for men with their wives.  To which Bill Clinton replied, “Mission accomplished.”

Further research in the BPA study also found that women barking orders of how to do it during sex also caused sexual problems in men.

Another study found that Buetooth usage can cause infertility in men.  But this was only for the men who thought it was a funny joke to wear the Bluetooth on their penis.

It being Christmas week I have a few  Christmas gift suggestions for some people:

Tiger Woods to get a vasectomy,

Harry Reid an array of retirement brochures to use after the next election,

Al  Gore… actually, after having invented the Internet and being the spokesman for an invented cause, I think he should get a free patent for whatever he’s going to invent next.

And last of all, a new Cap and trade bill for President Obama, except this one puts a cap on the “hope and change” that he’s already given us and trades in it on something that we really need and want.

And most of all I wish for everyone to have a merry Christmas and a great holiday season!

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Monday, December 21, 2009

Congress Version of Night Before Christmas

This is something I found on the Internet.  I don't know the author but it is very funny (and unfortunately has a lot of truth.)

"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves, Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
They cared not a whit what the public might think "Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --
bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),

Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
If all workers decided what they were due,
they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all,
our millionaire Congress decides on the budget
land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.
With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,
we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!

Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

If in this feeling I'm not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone.
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you won't forget!
When election times comes -- and certain it will --
you're voting him out for passing that bill.

More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.
And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

"Merry Christmas to us, and the public be damned!

 

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Friday, December 18, 2009

Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes - 12/18/09

Here are some of the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China." –David Letterman

"I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that's what happened." –David Letterman

"And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there." –Jay Leno

"They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush's excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn't find a stamp." –Jay Leno

"Huge protest and hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd." –Jay Leno

"During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are 'sexy.' He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what's it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn't it?" –Jay Leno

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, 'We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.' Well, of course not. There'd be no politicians left if you did that." –Jay Leno

"Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars." –David Letterman

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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Fatness: It’s Not Our Fault

I just saw a headline that said Nevada is the fattest western state in the United States.  That doesn’t mean, for example, that the streets are wider in Nevada, it means that the asses of the people walking down those streets are wider than the asses of the people in other western states.

Being a resident of the fattest state I guess I should be honored since we are number one at something.   But I just haven’t felt the impact.  It just means it is a lot easier to find a McDonalds here than it is to find a store that sells skinny pants.

It kind of gives new meaning to the Las Vegas catch phrase of “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”  Instead of the sexy connotation it tries to imply, it’s more like, “Naw, I don’t want to go anywhere.  Let’s just sit here and eat some chips and watch TV.”

Nevada has a 31% obesity rate.  Maybe Las Vegas can come up a new marketing slogan like “Hey, fat ass, come to Vegas and make yourself feel thin.”  I did notice a casino marketing to locals had the slogan, “Lose some weight, your pockets will definitely feel lighter when you leave here.”  Just kidding, we are the fattest, not stupidest.

The Las Vegas Marathon was held recently.  There was a shorter version of the race for the more obese citizens where they “power waddled” to the nearest Dunkin Donuts store.

That same newspaper article said that at the current rate that Americans are becoming obese by the year 2018 nearly 50% of the country will be obese.  So, apparently, if Obama was really serious about health care he should be planning to turn the hospitals into diet centers.  When we go to war in the future we’ll just have our military sit on the enemies military and that will be that.

I guess I have a greater understanding now why when they are marketing the “Gentlemen’s clubs” in Las Vegas they almost always have more than one girl on the pictures.  Considering how fat the Las Vegas men are the marketers are thinking with the concept, “I bet you can’t eat just one.”

Let’s not just blame ourselves for being overweight.  Let’s take a look at this whole thing from the viewpoint of fat cells themselves, since they are the real culprits in this scenario:

Fat cell #1 (a male fat cell) – Hey sweetcakes, you are looking nice and plump these days, not like some of those skinny fat cell that I’ve seen lately.

Fat cell #2 (a female fat cell) – (blushing) Thanks, I do try to keep my figure expanding.

Fat cell #1 – Why don’t we hunker down together with a fine meal of hydrogenated vegetable oils and high fructose corn syrup.

Fat cell #2 – Wow! You do know how to get a girl’s attention.

So you see, it is not our fault as Americans that we are getting fatter by the day.  It is the fault of the pesky fat cells that are making us that way.  Besides that, if we weren’t getting fatter there would be no need for quality television shows like The Biggest Loser.  It could also affect us emotionally if too many of us got thin because right now we as Americans are confident in the fact that we are “too big to fail”.

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Some Funny Quotes by Comedians

Here are some funny quotes, many of them by iconic comedians:

• There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out. ~ Sam Kinison

• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. ~ George Carlin

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright

• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin

• If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows. ~ Sam Kinison

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I figure that's why my boyfriend moved. ~ Christy Murphy

• Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. ~ Cher

• I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ~Woody Allen

• Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. ~H. L. Mencken

• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? ~ Bette Midler

• You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman

• If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. ~ Lily Tomlin

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

It Could Be Worse – Issue V

Every now and then it’s a good idea to cheer yourself up by thinking how things could actually be a lot worse than they really are.  Here are some examples:

It could be worse, you could be in a charisma contest with Al Gore and you lose.

It could be worse, you could have such bad taste in women that you get a pin-up calendar made with pictures of Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, and Harry Reid.

It could be worse, you could be more unpopular at a GOP convention than the Obama supporters who crashed it.

It could be worse, you could be looking for a hunting buddy and the only one you could find was Dick Cheney.

It could be worse, you could be a wealthy person about to die and you heirs want to save money on your funeral by buying your coffin at WalMart.

It could be worse, you could be an unmarried female trying to save yourself for your wedding night and you get set up on a blind date with Tiger Woods.

It could be worse, you could be married to the hillbilly in the movie, Deliverance, who made Burt Reynolds’ friend squeal like a pig.

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Monday, December 14, 2009

Some Rita Rudner Quotes

Here are some very funny one-liners from Rita Rudner:

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

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Friday, December 11, 2009

Best of the Late Night Jokes - 12/11/09

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

"Well, at the Copenhagen climate summit — where they talk about the environment, you know, saving the environment — the delegates had 1,200 limousines and 140 private jets, or as they call that in Malibu, 'Earth Day.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama's approval rating has hit a new low — 47 percent according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that a '6-year-old with a crayon could' come up with those same poll results. You know, I'll bet it's the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with the last budget they came out with." –Jay Leno

"Speaking of the budget, in his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to 'continue to spend our way out' of the recession. Now, I don't know much about economics, but aren't we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn't that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I'm just saying." –Jay Leno

"I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge in Afghanistan was all Tiger Woods's idea." –Craig Ferguson

"Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"They were like, the real issue wasn't health care, two wars and unemployment, it's who gets to play in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl." –Jimmy Fallon

"A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he's no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, 'In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I'm recommending that he run for Congress.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head

10. Ends every argument with, "Yeah, and how many  Nobel Prizes have you won?"
9. Announced plans to send 30,000 troops to Target to do his Christmas shopping.
8. Thinks he also has a good shot at winning the Heisman Trophy.
7. Gave himself a ten billion dollar bailout.
6. Last night he crashed a party thrown by the Salahis.
5. Spending fewer hours at work than Bush.
4. Hired scientists to make his Nobel Prize capable of holding 10,000 songs.
3. Now refers to his abs as "The Situation."
2. Sits around all day massaging his cat.
1. Claims he can bring peace to Tiger Woods' house

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Surprise! Men and Women are Different

What man, when he hears his spouse say, “We need to talk,” hasn’t occasionally wished that he had become a monk?  The sex life would not be so good but that vow of silence thing would really come in handy at a time like that.

Let’s face it, men and women are actually very different!  I have to admit (begrudgingly) that men may have a few quirks of their own.  Some people (if that person is a woman) might assume that women are actually superior.  (Note to all men: that’s not what I believe. I was forced at gunpoint to say this by a group of crazed women who have read some of my previous writings.)

Men can sometimes get so consumed in their work that when they are not working they have trouble differentiating the rest of life from work.  For example, Tiger Woods spends his work day trying to get it into the hole, and apparently, when he gets off work he’s still trying to do the same thing.

Yes, men are an anomaly.  Through the ages they have willingly gone to war but if you ask them to go shopping they’ll get a look of horror similar to the look you’d get from Bill Clinton if you told him he could only have sex with Hillary for the rest of his life.

In men’s defense though, the shopping thing is genetic.  That’s why at conception female chromosomes are designated as “X” and men as “Y”.  It’s a logical thing (obviously developed by a man) because when females are old enough to open a map they are Xing off the locations of all the malls and the males get the “Y” because when they see them doing that they ask, “why are they doing that?”

Men do seem to be much simpler than women.  When a woman has to make an important decision about something she will often agonize over it for days, weighing all the pros and cons until she finally comes to a conclusion which she will immediately doubt and then have to go out to lunch to discuss it with her girlfriends.  A man, on the other hand, faced with a life changing decision will go to a bar and make the decision with his best friend by playing paper, rock, scissors.

Woman will usually blame themselves for things to the point of introversion, whereas men like to find an external cause.  If a woman tries on jeans she hasn’t worn for a while and they seem tight it is because she’s getting fat.  If the same happens to a man he will come up with many more creative reasons for the tight jeans like they must have shrunk in the wash, or there is a lot of humidity lately that shrank them, or my wife is mad at me so she wants me to think I’m getting fat by having my clothes taken in.

Men are way more competitive than women, which is why most women aren’t big sports fans.  Men are sure they can influence the outcome of a game on TV by “intending “their team to win, or by yelling at the players (again on TV).  This can even get to the point of insisting the phone lines stay open in case one of the players calls for advice.

Okay, upon further inspection, it looks like both of the sexes have their own issues.  It’s hard to say which one is more screwed up.  But, being a man I am, of course, competitive and want to win so I’ll make it into a game….Here we go…paper, rock scissors….YES, THE MEN WIN!!!

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Surprise! Men and Women are Different

What man, when he hears his spouse say, “We need to talk,” hasn’t occasionally wished that he had become a monk?  The sex life would not be so good but that vow of silence thing would really come in handy at a time like that.

Let’s face it, men and women are actually very different!  I have to admit (begrudgingly) that men may have a few quirks of their own.  Some people (if that person is a woman) might assume that women are actually superior.  (Note to all men: that’s not what I believe. I was forced at gunpoint to say this by a group of crazed women who have read some of my previous writings.)

Men can sometimes get so consumed in their work that when they are not working they have trouble differentiating the rest of life from work.  For example, Tiger Woods spends his work day trying to get it into the hole, and apparently, when he gets off work he’s still trying to do the same thing.

Yes, men are an anomaly.  Through the ages they have willingly gone to war but if you ask them to go shopping they’ll get a look of horror similar to the look you’d get from Bill Clinton if you told him he could only have sex with Hillary for the rest of his life.

In men’s defense though, the shopping thing is genetic.  That’s why at conception female chromosomes are designated as “X” and men as “Y”.  It’s a logical thing (obviously developed by a man) because when females are old enough to open a map they are Xing off the locations of all the malls and the males get the “Y” because when they see them doing that they ask, “why are they doing that?”

Men do seem to be much simpler than women.  When a woman has to make an important decision about something she will often agonize over it for days, weighing all the pros and cons until she finally comes to a conclusion which she will immediately doubt and then have to go out to lunch to discuss it with her girlfriends.  A man, on the other hand, faced with a life changing decision will go to a bar and make the decision with his best friend by playing paper, rock, scissors.

Woman will usually blame themselves for things to the point of introversion, whereas men like to find an external cause.  If a woman tries on jeans she hasn’t worn for a while and they seem tight it is because she’s getting fat.  If the same happens to a man he will come up with many more creative reasons for the tight jeans like they must have shrunk in the wash, or there is a lot of humidity lately that shrank them, or my wife is mad at me so she wants me to think I’m getting fat by having my clothes taken in.

Men are way more competitive than women, which is why most women aren’t big sports fans.  Men are sure they can influence the outcome of a game on TV by “intending “their team to win, or by yelling at the players (again on TV).  This can even get to the point of insisting the phone lines stay open in case one of the players calls for advice.

Okay, upon further inspection, it looks like both of the sexes have their own issues.  It’s hard to say which one is more screwed up.  But, being a man I am, of course, competitive and want to win so I’ll make it into a game….Here we go…paper, rock scissors….YES, THE MEN WIN!!!

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Some More Funny Christmas Quotes

'Tis the season to be jolly, so here are some more funny Christmas quotes.

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space."
Dave Barry

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
Dave Barry

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
Phyllis Diller

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
Joan Rivers.

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
Arlo Guthrie

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning.

"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family... "
Berke Breathed "

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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Some "History" Based Jokes

Being a bit of a history buff caused me to come up with these “historically based” jokes:

History has influenced television quite a bit, even from the beginnings of TV.  Back in the 50’s Ozzie and Harriet, in honor of former President Truman, nearly named their show “Give ‘em Hell Harriet.”

In the future it is likely that Obama and Ben Bernake will have their pictures on the new dollar, which will be called “nuclear money”.  Historians will look back and see that their actions caused the future money to have a half-life of the old money.

George Washington was such a great leader that there are actually 2 holidays in his honor.  The first is, of course, President’s day and the other one, many people don’t realize was also in his honor, is Labor Day.  That’s because he gave birth to a nation (and  rumor has it he helped create a lot of the births back then too.)

People also learn from history.  The male members of the Kennedy family pattered their lives after the some formal sexual dynamos who were also from Massachusetts – the “Minute Men”.

Dick Cheney is already a big part of history and Hollywood is thinking of making a movie about his life.  But being Hollywood they tend to change things.  It will be a cartoon movie and he’ll play the part of the Roadrunner and this time the coyote gets him.  I think it’ll be a big hit.

In the future, after Bill Clinton passes on, there will probably be a tell-all book about his sexual conquests and it is very likely that the Obama administration premise of “too big to fail”, especially for many of these artificially created entities, will again prove to be a falsehood.

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Monday, December 7, 2009

Funny Woody Allen Quotes

Here are some funny jokes by Woody Allen:

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

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Friday, December 4, 2009

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/04/09

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

"This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs." –Jay Leno

"And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House." –Jay Leno

"A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton." –Jay Leno

"Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize." –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it's not all bad." –Craig Ferguson

"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride's father to the bachelor party? That's going to be a tough call." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you hear about that uninvited couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House? Unbelievable. They even had their picture taken with Vice President Joe Biden, which is kind of radical because Biden was also an uninvited guest." –Jay Leno

"Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress." –Jay Leno

"Hey, this is absolutely true. There's an organization now called 'Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.' Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn't work." –Jay Leno

"There's a new children's book that's coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don't want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi's mother." –Conan O'Brien

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Thursday, December 3, 2009

I Swear, This Could Work

I just read an article about how some psychologist said you can relieve pain or upset by swearing.  My first thought was “What an a_ _hole!”  Then I realized, what do you know, he was right, I do feel better!

It made me wonder, can we just skip the whole Obamacare thing and just swear our way to good health?  It would save a lot of money if that would work.  But then, of course, those stupid, rotten *^%$^$#&##$%& %@!$^&  congressmen (whew! Excuse me for that, but it did feel good.) would try to tax swearing.  Naturally, just as Congress is trying to make themselves exempt from the healthcare that the rest of the nation would have, they would also be exempt from the tax on swearing.  (Which  makes me wish that swearing in congress was a legit thing, if only momentarily, like if, Joe Wilson, the “you lie guy” could have said what he was really thinking when he yelled that infamous, yet totally true, statement at Obama on the floor of congress.  Okay, okay, I know I’m getting off the track here, but it was a fun thought.) Anyway, the whole swearing tax probably wouldn’t work, it would just create a lot of black market swearing and groups going underground to swear.

Swearing could be the reason that professional athletes don’t have more injuries than they do.  If you can at all read lips when you watch them on TV you know they aren’t spewing out nursery rhymes, or if they were they would go like this:

Jack and Jill went up the f$%^#!$  hill,

To fetch a pail of go#%^$&@#$*!;! water.

“Hey, my knee does feel better.”

But then again this swearing to heal could have a totally undesirable effect too.  What if the uncle you always hated was laying in a coma waiting to die and in a weak moment you decided to vent at him.  The intention of the cussing directed at him could have the undesired effect of bringing him back to life.  He’d wake up and smile at you and you’d have to go into the other room and cuss up a storm at yourself to make you feel better.

Or, what if one day you went into an uncontrollable cussing rage with your boss who you had secretly wanted a whole array of bad, evil things to happen to and he suddenly became the healthiest person on earth.  And that could only make you want to swear more, making him even healthier.

Here’s another unworkable idea, what if your child was sick and with totally good intentions you started swearing at the little b_ _ _ _ _ _ to make him well.  Even if he got well he would resent you for the rest of his life.

After careful examination of this idea this psychologist has of relieving pain and upset by swearing, I think it’s safe to say that he has his head way up his a_ _! (Again, that felt good.)  What’s next?  Are the shrinks going to start prescribing drugs for depression, instead of just eating right and being busy and productive… Wait a minute!!  OH S_ _ T!

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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Funny Christmas Quotes

December is all about the holidays so here are some funny Christmas quotes:

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.  - Phyllis Diller

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The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. - Jay Leno

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Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. - Unknown

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Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet. - Unknown

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I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. - W.C. Fields

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Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. - Johnny Carson

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Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. - Kin Hubbard

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discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money? - Tom Armstrong

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Some Airline Humor

The recent gaffes by airlines pilots inspired me with some airline jokes:

The airlines seem so stingy about even handing out peanuts these days but I realized it is because most of the peanuts end up in the cockpit with the pilots so they have something to eat with their beer while they are watching porn on their computers.

I saw some ex-pilots in the airport with their “will fly for booze” signs.

The last time I was on a flight I got really worried when the navigator came out of the cockpit and asked the flight attendant ,“Which way to the restroom.”

That flight was miserable.  The first time it went well for me was when I was in the restroom and we hit an air pocket….cured my constipation on the spot.

Whenever you’re traveling with a tour group it is easy to pick out the gay guys.  They are always the first ones ready to go in the morning because they already had their s_ _t packed the night before.

Obama had to go through the metal detector at the airport the other day and he set it off.  He didn’t have a gun or anything but it proved what most people have suspected, to say and do some of the stuff he’ done he’s got to have brass balls.

I heard they are going to bring back full meals on some airlines but it will be McDonald’s food to keep it inexpensive.  Plus, it will also be convenient since the barf bags are already there.

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