We’ve all heard, by now, about the terrorist’s attempted suicide bombing on a plane on Christmas day. Fortunately, he did not succeed. You’ll all be happy to know, as a result, airport security tightened and the next day they were able to swiftly and safely confiscate a highly dangerous jar of almond butter that my daughter tried to take on board a plane – whew!
Who knows what she or someone who might steal the almond butter from her could have done. It could have been spread over the windshield of the plane, thereby blocking the pilot’s vision and preventing a safe landing. Or, it could have been spread in the aisle so as the flight attendant steps in it, it slows her down enough that she wouldn’t be able to serve the pilot his in-flight alcohol in a timely fashion to get him drunk, which upsets his rhythm and crashes the plane. The possibilities here are endless. (SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a potential terrorist please stop reading now because I don’t want you to get any terrorism ideas from this article.)
It was comforting to have her tell me, though, that her almond butter would not have been taken away if the container had been 3 ounces or less. I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that airport security is using logic and good common sense. If you had no more than 3 ounces of the stuff, for example, you couldn’t possibly cover the entire windshield, another disaster averted!
Earlier this year I had forgotten myself and put my, greater than 3 ounce container of toothpaste, in my carry-on bag and I was happy to know that it was confiscated before I got onto the plane. If some terrorist had found that stuff in my bag and stolen it he could have taken it into the bathroom and brushed his teeth until the 5 ounce of toothpaste was all used up. Then his teeth would be so white so that he could go into the plane, get everyone’s attention, and smile widely while flashing a light on his teeth and blinding everyone, thereby, taking over the plane. We are safe in the hands of airport security!!!
Laying off airport security for the moment, lest they never let me fly anywhere again, that terrorist on Christmas day was not a particularly bright guy. He had the bomb hidden in his underwear. If a bomb blew up in his underwear what did the idiot think he was going to do when he got his reward of “70 virgins in heaven”. He would have gotten a glimpse of the virgins, started salivating, and upon feeling no urges down below, actually having nothing down below, he would be screaming, “I WANT A DO OVER!”
If terrorists are willing to blow up their nether regions I’m sure they wouldn’t mind putting a bomb inside their mouths either. I’ll bet airport security will come up with an effective plan to combat that strategy, like giving random noogies to the flyers as they come through the line so that when they scream, “I’m telling my mom,” the bomb in their mouth will fall out.
Until the noogie strategy is adapted they can at least start catching the guys with bombs in their underwear by adopting the strategy of random atomic wedgies!
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