Here are the very best jokes from this week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:
"President Obama is going on 'The View' to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to 'General Hospital' to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works." –Jay Leno
"With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: 'What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.'" –Jay Leno
"Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent." –Jay Leno
"Continental announced a new feature called 'self boarding.' There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s 'Terrorists Fly Hassel-free' program." –Jay Leno
"President Obama is in town for an appearance on 'The View.' He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law." –David Letterman
"A guy in New York robbed a bank wearing clown pants, a wig, and a bra. I thought to myself, This could be a thousand guys living in the Village." –David Letterman
"Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?" –David Letterman
"A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'" –Craig Ferguson
"BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly 'demonized' in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward." –Jimmy Fallon
"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama's new message to the American people is 'things could be a lot worse.' We've gone from 'change you can believe in' to 'things could be a lot worse.' The sequel is never as good as the original." –Jay Leno
"BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent." –Jay Leno
"An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once." –Jay Leno
"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that 'Jersey Shore' is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like 'The Sopranos.'" –Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice." –Jimmy Kimmel
No comments:
Post a Comment