Last week’s article about useless crap was so popular I felt I had to give my readers what they are looking for… more useless crap. If useless crap is what you want then I will be the King of Useless Crap, for you, my beloved readers.
Let’s get right into it. Our first useless crap product for this week from the airplane catalog turns out to be more of a pissing product than a crap product. It’s the Indoor Dog Restroom. That’s right, it’s a pad that soaks up dog urine so the dog can go in the house rather than outside. The real trouble starts when you forget to ask your dog if he has to do #1 or #2…. Then it suddenly may become a useful crap item, if you get my meaning. Mmmhhhh, it that doesn’t stimulate your sense of smell nothing will. All for only $149.95!
Our next product held in “high” esteem due to its stupidity and uselessness is a chair that can be made so big that when you sit in it you look like a miniature little person like you were shrunken in a Disney movie. Its purpose is to elevate you at sporting events so you are sure to see all the action. That is until all the people behind get into a mob mentality and flip your chair over with you in it so that they too can see the action. That wonderful product allows to get the crap (might it be useless crap?) beaten out of you for only $149.95.
Following that we have the “Healthiest Deep Fryer.” I’m pretty sure what makes it the healthiest is that it has a price tag of $299.95 allowing the makers to say whatever they want. Maybe this was made for people in the south that deep fry everything that moves, but from where I stand deep frying is still deep frying so even the healthiest one is still killing you.
Next we have “The Peaceful Progression Wake up Clock”. It is so peaceful they don’t even call it an “alarm” clock because that, I’m sure, would be too alarming for the morons that would shell out $99.95 for this clock. It starts 30 minutes before wake-up by spewing various aromatherapy scents. Then 15 minutes before wake-up it generates soft nature sounds. At wake-up time it emits a soft buzzer sound. By this time you are so relaxed you want to go back to sleep. Just at that time your wife comes in and yells “Wake-up asshole and go to work. Your stupid clock is driving me nuts.” So, actually, one way or another it does actually work. But still I gotta file it under useless crap.
Lastly, for today, is the “Ultrasonic Barking Dog Deterrent.” It makes an unpleasant sound when the dog barks that only he can hear and makes him stop barking. It can be very confusing to the dog because when he hears it in the backyard he asks the cat, “What was that sound?” The cat, enjoying the fact that he can piss the dog off, replies, “What are you talking about? I didn’t hear anything. You’re crazy.” This kind of thing has driven many dogs to see the pet psychologist. Anyway, this device is cleverly disguised as a bird house. So every time a bird tries to walk into the house he tends to knock himself out, again, pleasing the cat to no end. Actually, this may have been invented by a cat. Also a big winner in this scenario is the burglar who climbs over the fence and the dog won’t bark because this useless crap device has taught him not to. If you are still interested in this thing it goes for $69.95
Okay, I had a lot of fun bringing you this useless crap but I don’t want to overdo a good thing so if you want to find any more useless crap items you’ll have to pick up your own catalog the next time you are on a plane.
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