Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, and Jimmy Kimmel:
The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important. –Jay Leno
President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece. –Jay Leno
The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada? –Jay Leno
Did you all have a nice Valentine's Day yesterday? Do you know how St. Valentine died? He was beheaded by the emperor Claudius — right after Claudius saw how much he was charging for a dozen roses. –Jay Leno
President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at "The Price Is Right." Barack Obama, come on down! –Conan O’Brien
A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien
Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth. –Conan O’Brien
In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton. –Conan O’Brien
I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, "For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest." -David Letterman
I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical. My doctor has seen me go from unemployed actor to unemployed actor with a talk show. -Craig Ferguson
He said I have the arteries of a 35-year-old, a 20-year-old's metabolism, and a 10-year-old's sense of humor. -Craig Ferguson
The obesity rate among school kids has been on the rise. Schools are having to order special desks and seats for students who are particularly obese. Is exercise just out of the question now? -Jimmy Kimmel
There is one good thing about our students getting fatter. Our teachers are now less likely to want to have sex with them. ? -Jimmy Kimmel
Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back. –Jimmy Fallon
A court in Germany has reopened a 400-year-old case involving a woman who was found guilty of witchcraft. And if that woman is still alive for the trial, I’m gonna go ahead and say "Guilty.” –Jimmy Fallon
There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. That's crazy. My dog doesn't want to watch TV — not when I just got him an iPad. –Jimmy Fallon
New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey. –Jay Leno
A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway. –Jay Leno
Papa John's is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It's for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day. –Conan O’Brien
The son of Hugh Hefner has been arrested on a charge of domestic violence. When he heard this, Hugh Hefner said, "Son, there's a right way and a wrong way to disrespect women." –Conan O’Brien
I'd give you Valentine's tips, but if you're watching this show, clearly your Valentine's Day has gone horribly wrong. -Craig Ferguson
The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out today. On Valentine's Day. That doesn't seem appropriate. Photographs of busty young women. It's like handing out free bacon on Passover. -Craig Ferguson
The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800s, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. -Craig Ferguson
This year, I gave my girlfriend her gift for next Valentine's Day. I gave her a pack of seeds. That way, she can grow her roses the old-fashioned way. -Jimmy Kimmel
On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg. -Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama urged men to "go big" for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy. –Jimmy Fallon
One of the awards at this week’s Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart’s chow chow named Genghis Khan. If Martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with "Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Fallon
Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show. –Jimmy Fallon
And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year. –Jay Leno
The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home. –Jay Leno
White Castle is offering candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much." –Conan O’Brien
It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day. And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion. –Conan O’Brien
Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about. –Conan O’Brien
The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication. –Conan O’Brien
The original Barbie is now worth $10,000. You know what means? I have 80 grand displayed on my nightstand. -Craig Ferguson
Today in New York City is the Westminster Dog Show. It's the Oscars of dog shows. The Westminster Dog Show and the Oscars are very different, of course. One's nothing but yapping and butt-sniffing. The other one's the dog show. -Craig Ferguson
Valentine's Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn't a holiday. It's a horror movie. -Jimmy Kimmel
Here's a good tip. If your girlfriend or your wife gives you that speech about how she doesn't care about Valentine's Day and how it's a holiday invented by corporations, don't fall for it. -Jimmy Kimmel
Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too. –Jimmy Fallon
Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’” -Jimmy Fallon
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