Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:
“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno
“You think he's bad... Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn't even want pirates touching their own booty.” –Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.” –Jay Leno
“This guy is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.” –Jay Leno
“You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” –Jay Leno
“Here in New York City we celebrate Presidents Day by allowing people to park on both sides of the street.” –David Letterman
“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman
“Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.” –Jimmy Fallon
“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon
“The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln, 6'4". I think four of those feet were hat.” –Craig Ferguson
“People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.” –Craig Ferguson
“He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.” –Craig Ferguson
Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He's not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face. –Jay Leno
Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular. –Jay Leno
Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty. –Jay Leno
A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can't agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn't make any sense. –Jay Leno
"Borat" star Sacha Baron Cohen has been banned from the Oscars. Producers are worried if Sacha Baron Cohen shows up, something interesting might happen. –Conan O’Brien
During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy. –Conan O’Brien
Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail. –Conan O’Brien
Taco Bell is coming out with a taco that's wrapped in a Doritos shell. If for some reason that doesn't sound appealing to you, you're not stoned right now. –Conan O’Brien
Reese Witherspoon, Academy Award-winning actress and beautiful young woman, is in Florida at the Yankees spring training camp. The Yankees are taking a look at her as a possible Alex Rodriguez girlfriend. –David Letterman
Sunday is the Academy Awards. I talked to a friend of mine at the academy, and the odds-on favorite is "The Help." It's all about housekeepers being pursued by Arnold Schwarzenegger. –David Letterman
At the White House they're recovering after last night's big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn't running against him. –Craig Ferguson
Dutch scientists say they've created artificial meat from stem cells, and in about eight months they'll have a complete hamburger patty. When I first heard this, I was shocked. There are dutch scientists? It's got to be uncomfortable working in a lab with those giant wooden shoes on. –Craig Ferguson
There are still a lot of questions about this artificial hamburger, though. Is it healthy? Does it go with cheese? Can David Hasselhoff eat it off the floor? –Craig Ferguson
This artificial hamburger technology is not perfected. To make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost $400,000 per hamburger. The first 10 have already been ordered by Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson
If your co-workers had ash on their heads today, it means they're Catholic or they had too many margaritas and passed out in an ashtray. –Jimmy Kimmel
Congressman Barney Frank is getting married soon — to another guy. Usually congressmen only do that sort of thing in secret. –Jimmy Kimmel
Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel
Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted at a Knicks game this week. They found a last-minute babysitter — the guy who used to play point guard before Jeremy Lin. –Jimmy Fallon
A lunch menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for $150,000 at an auction next month. The menu starts out great, but once you get to the iceberg wedge, it’s a total disaster. –Jimmy Fallon
Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing. –Jay Leno
Italian police seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. bonds. Let that be a lesson. If you want to try and sell worthless financial instruments, you'd better be Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. That's the only way you're going to get away with it. –Jay Leno
Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that's totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people. –Jay Leno
Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds. –Jay Leno
It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all. –Conan O’Brien
Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly. –Conan O’Brien
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they're OK. They can go ahead and get married. –David Letterman
Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad. –David Letterman
Scientists have now created artificial meat. They've done so with stem cells in a test tube. Is your mouth watering? –David Letterman
Today is Mardi Gras. That's French for Fat Tuesday. Unfortunately we're all so politically correct these days, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as "Big Boned Day." –Craig Ferguson
At one end of Bourbon Street they actually have a gay Mardi Gras celebration. Who would have guessed that a party centered on jewelry and feathers would attract a gay crowd? –Craig Ferguson
I love New Orleans. It's a great place with resilient people. They bounced back after an incredible tragedy. Meanwhile, here in Los Angeles we're still recovering from last month's drizzle. –Craig Ferguson
Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate. –Jimmy Kimmel
Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don't promote homosexuality. They promote obesity. –Jimmy Kimmel
Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, "Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.” –Jimmy Fallon
The Oscars are this Sunday, and 40 million people are expected to watch it on ABC. But in fairness, half of them are just Brad Pitt’s kids cheering him on. –Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that 16 percent of Americans under the age of 24 don’t have a job. There’s even a name for that group: Art History majors. –Jimmy Fallon
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