Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:
A group headed up by Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers for $2 billion. How much are beer and hot dogs going to cost at Dodger Stadium now? –Jay Leno
Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it's because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there's weather, gas prices go up. –Jay Leno
Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives. –Jay Leno
"Titanic" is being re-released in 3-D, and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he's texting. –Jay Leno
An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Magic said he won't make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball. –Conan O’Brien
It's never a good sign when the best athlete on your team is the owner. –Conan O’Brien
"The Hunger Games" mania continues. After "Twilight" fans were called Twi-hards, "Hunger Games" fans have now been dubbed Hunger-lings. "John Carter" fans are referred to as "That guy who saw 'John Carter.'" –Conan O’Brien
A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashers than drunk people. Then again, it's easier to see what is coming when you're driving at 11 miles an hour. –Conan O’Brien
A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel
Seven of the eight cities that value sex the most are in the L.A. area. That makes sense. We have Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen living here. –Jimmy Kimmel
Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model. –Jimmy Fallon
A high school here in New York is asking Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin to speak at its graduation. Lin plans on telling the kids they can be anything they dream of — for about two weeks. –Jimmy Fallon
Alicia Silverstone is making news for feeding her son by chewing his food and then passing it into his mouth. Even birds are like, "Just buy him some Gerber, you weirdo!” –Jimmy Fallon
In New York City this week, they had the annual Greek Independence Day Parade. In fact, it was so authentically Greek that before the parade even started it was $12 million in debt. –Jay Leno
A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn't it? –Jay Leno
The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, "There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man date." –Conan O’Brien
The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson's cell phone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has reduced the man's sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again. –Conan O’Brien
In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry. It's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand. –Conan O’Brien
Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off. –David Letterman
Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare. –David Letterman
For the first time in history, Americans will watch more movies online than they will on physical media like DVDs. Four billion will be watched the old-fashioned way. In 10 years people will be looking back on us renting movies at Blockbuster like we look back at people washing their clothes on a river rock. –Jimmy Kimmel
Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States. –Jimmy Kimmel
I would pay the 50 bucks if he agreed to wear a prom dress in the photo. –Jimmy Kimmel
Apparently Tim Tebow is looking for a house in the same neighborhood where Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez lives. It’s right at the intersection of Awkward and Yikes. –Jimmy Fallon
A strip club in New York is offering to give Tim Tebow his first lap dance for free. It’ll be the first time where the customer is the one who keeps yelling "No touching.” –Jimmy Fallon
A woman here in New York claims that her blind date stole her iPhone and her wallet. She was like, "I have to get that iPhone back — I mean, what if he calls"? –Jimmy Fallon
This week a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini. –Jimmy Fallon
I spent my whole weekend filling out my brackets for "The Hunger Games." –Jay Leno
The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs. –Jay Leno
This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself. –Jay Leno
Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries. –Jay Leno
This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents. –Conan O’Brien
Rick Santorum said you aren't a real Republican until you've sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said "Heck!" –Conan O’Brien
The Pope made a visit to Mexico. He took first place in the spring break Wet Pope Hat Contest. –Conan O’Brien
President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, "So how do you explain a new season of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O’Brien
Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament. –Jimmy Kimmel
Tiger's now a 4-1 favorite to win at The Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades, and hostesses at the Waffle House. –Jimmy Kimmel
Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog's. He's been doing it since he was in college. –Jimmy Kimmel
The Pope wears the best hats. He gives Lady Gaga a run for her money. –Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a "clown show." That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off. –Jimmy Fallon
Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn't waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart. –Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a "time warp" that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph. –Jimmy Fallon
A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org. –Jimmy Fallon
No comments:
Post a Comment