Jokes by Mike Birbiglia

Here are some jokes by standup comedian Mike Birbiglia:

I've been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he'll say a really good rhyme, and he'll say his name afterwards. He'll be like, 'Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes.' I really like that. I'd like to do that with jokes. Like, 'I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, I'm not sure I wanna wake up -- Mike Birbiglia.'

This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.'

Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They're like, 'You gotta dance. You gotta dance!' And then I dance, and they're like, 'Not like that.'

I went to Dunkin' Donuts last week, and the person waiting on me didn't speak any English at all, like, no words. And it's like I'm all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a few keywords, you know, like donutos, munchkinos, chocolatto, coverato. The customers would be like, 'Blah, blah, blah, donutos.' And I'd be like, 'Right away, sir.'

My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, 'I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.' And I was like, 'No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee's might grease the wheels a little.'

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And she was like, 'I fear you'll meet someone else, and you'll leave me, and I'll be all alone.' And she was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And I was like, 'Bears.'

I try and go to the gym. But it seems kind of counterproductive because the idea is to impress women, but there are women at the gym and they can see me bench-pressing 65 pounds. And I don't think they're saying, 'Check out the guy in the dress socks. I saw him do one chin-up and then fall on the ground.'

One of the reasons why panda bears are going extinct is because the male pandas like eating more than they like mating, which at first, I thought was strange. But then I thought, if I were a panda bear and I had to have sex with another panda bear, I wouldn't be that excited either. I'd be like, 'Oh great, she looks exactly like me.'

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It's like, 'To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.'

I'm Italian... Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya.' And I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.'

I was an altar boy when I was a kid -- and the answer is 'no.'

I wanted to be a rapper -- I really did -- and it surprises people because I'm a white bread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur -- 'white bread.' The other day, someone was like, 'What's up, white bread?' And I was like, 'That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup.'

Rappers now will be like, 'It's 2005, motherf**ker.' I'm like, you're mad about the date? You've gotta pick your battles, man.

Technology's moving so fast, man. It's to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, 'You seen the new Sony Teleporter?' People will be like, 'No, but I heard about it.' I end up saying that all the time -- 'No, but I heard about it.' It means I haven't heard about it, but I like you.

I've got an apartment, and it's a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, 'You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.' I was like, 'Do they also love it when your shower is one foot from your toaster? 'Cause I got that goin' on, too!'

I'm not good at drinking; I just become another person. Like last year, I went out drinking, and I met this girl and she gave me her number, but the next day I didn't even want to call her. I didn't feel like she met me, I felt like she met 'Two-Drink Mike.' It's totally different. Two-Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero-Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife.

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, 'Whatever you are, be a good one.' I just don't feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, 'How Are Ya?' -- Abraham Lincoln.

I walked on stage as I heard them say, 'Please welcome Mike Bahooski!', and I was so mad. In my head, I was like, 'You didn't even try! You just said "B" and then whatever you could think of, and you made me Polish. That's a really specific choice.'

I went to the doctor the other day. They told me there was something in my bladder. Whenever they tell you that, it's never anything good, like, 'We found something in your bladder, and it's season tickets to the Yankees!'

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.

I found the antidote to this crazy virus online, and I was able to make it go away. But when I left the house, my parents still insisted on placing the computer in the corner of the house with the screen facing the wall, like the computer had done something wrong.

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