Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:
President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women. –Conan O’Brien
The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents' defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar. –Conan O’Brien
Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats. –Conan O’Brien
The Megamillions story is getting interested. The married couple in their 60s who won the Megamillions lottery says they giggled about it for hours, and by giggle they mean nervously plotted to murder each other. –Conan O’Brien
Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor things. I haven't been this excited since Hooters announced they were lifting my lifetime ban. –Craig Ferguson
Apparently only "employees" are allowed to wear those tiny orange shorts. –Craig Ferguson
Justin didn't design the furniture, nor did he build it. Other than that, it's all his. He's seen it. Maybe. –Craig Ferguson
President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah's Ark. -Jimmy Kimmel
But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from. . -Jimmy Kimmel
This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it. . -Jimmy Kimmel
The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don't worry. The IRS never checks. . -Jimmy Kimmel
During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid. –Conan O’Brien
There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing your U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan. –Conan O’Brien
In London there's a new service that delivers the morning-after pill to your home by bicycle messenger. And to make sure you don't regret your decision, the pills will be delivered by a kid who is an obnoxious jerk. –Conan O’Brien
If nobody paid taxes, imagine what the country would be like. America would be flat broke. All right, we'd be more flat broke. –Craig Ferguson
This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service. –Craig Ferguson
According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president. –Craig Ferguson
In case you're wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander. -Jimmy Kimmel
I don't mind paying taxes. But what I don't get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can't they give us a pass on that? -Jimmy Kimmel
The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you. -Jimmy Kimmel
The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those. -Jimmy Kimmel
Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama. –Conan O’Brien
The 116th Boston Marathon was won by a woman from Kenya and a man from Kenya. It was a very exciting race. Both winners narrowly edged out someone from Kenya. –Conan O’Brien
A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent. –Conan O’Brien
Somebody stole five vintage guitars from Tom Petty right before his concert tour. If the criminals are caught, they ought to be charged with a misdemeanor because it’s a “petty” theft. –Craig Ferguson
An 83-year-old woman from England is calling herself the world’s oldest supermodel. I’m just going to keep calling her by her real name, Madonna. –Craig Ferguson
President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson
Congratulations are in order for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who just got engaged. You know what, I knew there was something going on between those two. -Jimmy Kimmel
At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you. - Jimmy Kimmel
This is the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. On its maiden voyage, it collided with an iceberg and sank into the ocean. But it still made it further than that North Korean rocket. –Jay Leno
Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it. –Jay Leno
President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. –Jay Leno
In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit. –Jay Leno
It's a great day for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They're officially engaged. I wonder if this means they're thinking of having kids. –Craig Ferguson
Today in Australia they kicked off the World Atheist Convention. Atheists from around the world get together to congratulate themselves for figuring it all out. –Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for North Korea. Yesterday, they launched a top-secret new missile. It blasted off and flew about 90 seconds and then blew up. It fell apart faster than a Kardashian marriage. –Craig Ferguson
That's what the North Koreans get for launching it on Friday the 13th. Why couldn't they have just waited until Saturday the 14th? Maybe the atheists told them not to worry about it. –Craig Ferguson
Today is Friday the 13th. And if you don’t believe this day is bad luck — just ask North Korea how that rocket launch went. –Jimmy Fallon
Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip. –Jimmy Fallon
The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life. –Jay Leno
Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK? –Jay Leno
And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, "Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that's my job. She has no right." –Jay Leno
Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn't have one, he dropped out. –Jay Leno
In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together. –Conan O’Brien
Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt's also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon. –Conan O’Brien
JK Rowling has a novel now aimed at adults. It's called "Harry Potter and the 30-Year Adjustable Rate Mortgage." –Conan O’Brien
Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center. -Jimmy Fallon
Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, "Unplug me.”
Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul. -Jimmy Fallon
Happy birthday to David Letterman, who turned 65 years old today. I don't want to say he's getting old, but today, he read the Top Ten reasons to get off his lawn. -Jimmy Fallon
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