Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman:
After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. "Well, I guess you're stuck with me." –Jay Leno
Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country. –Jay Leno
Time magazine is reporting that Lebanon's most wanted Sunni terrorist has blown himself up in Syria. Wow, a lot of these guys have a short fuse. –Jay Leno
Not one person was murdered in El Salvador last Saturday in what was the first homicide-free day in nearly three years. The bad news: 50 people got killed during the celebration. –Jay Leno
Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, "I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama." –Conan O’Brien
Burger King announced that all their chickens and pigs will all be raised cage free. In response, chickens and pigs said, "That's cool. Now let's talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches." –Conan O’Brien
It's now the law in Southern California that police must screen all adult films to make sure condoms are being used — which explains the LAPD's new motto, "To protect and perv." –Conan O’Brien
I would like to wish those to whom it applies a happy Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day. You'll know it has caught on if wives start yelling about their husband, "He cheated on me with his administrative professional." -Jimmy Kimmel
We had a big police chase here in L.A. It went on for more than two hours. If you live here, a police chase is kind of a nice way to see your old neighborhoods. -Jimmy Kimmel
The E! network has announced they have reached a deal with the Kardashian family to bring us three more seasons of their reality show. If you haven't been keeping up with them, I will bring you up to speed. They went shopping. -Jimmy Kimmel
The deal will pay the Kardashian family — get this — $40 million. It's the biggest contract in the history of reality television. It's harder and harder to explain to your kids why it's a bad idea to make a sex tape. -Jimmy Kimmel
You know Metta World Peace, that guy on the Lakers. Well, he has been suspended for seven games after he violently elbowed another player in the head — which explains his new name, "Metta Real Housewife.” –Jimmy Fallon
Speaking of the Real Housewives, tonight on the show we have Caroline Manzo from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Because I mean, how else can you top having President Obama? –Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did "Slow Jam the News," he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, "Dude, don't you have a country to run?” –Jimmy Fallon
It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA. –Jay Leno
Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts. –Jay Leno
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table. –Jay Leno
Lakers player Metta World Peace is still being criticized for the vicious elbow he threw over the weekend. I haven't seen an NBA player take an elbow like that since Kris Humphries got between Kim Kardashian and a camera. –Jay Leno
For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food. –Conan O’Brien
Megan Fox is pregnant — which is weird because I didn't know I could impregnate someone with my thoughts. –Conan O’Brien
Some teenagers are reportedly drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk. Remember when Zima was the most embarrassing thing to drink? –Jimmy Kimmel
Teenagers have been turning up with alcohol poisoning and officials are worried it will become a national trend. Drinking hand sanitizer is of particular concern because Purell is considered to be a gateway soap. –Jimmy Kimmel
The kids use salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer, which makes a liquid similar to a hard shot of liquor. You know what else is similar to a shot of hard liquor? A shot of hard liquor. Why not just steal a shot of liquor from your parent's liquor cabinet and refill it with iced tea like normal American kids, or pay a homeless guy to buy it for you like our forefathers did? –Jimmy Kimmel
Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren't able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden. –Jimmy Fallon
We also have Dave Matthews performing tonight. He wasn't originally the musical guest, but we had a last-minute cancellation by the Tupac hologram. –Jimmy Fallon
Even though the president just got here today, I've been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I've been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party. –Jimmy Fallon
President Obama said he's not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from "Yes, we can" to "Duke sucks." –Jimmy Fallon
Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor because he is one. –Jay Leno
Lakers star Ron Artest — Metta World Peace, that's his name now — was ejected from yesterday's game for a vicious elbow to the head of Oklahoma's James Harden. It was such a cheap shot he was offered a contract with the New Orleans Saints. –Jay Leno
But we live in a society that rewards bad behavior. Metta World Peace just picked up an endorsement for elbow macaroni. –Jay Leno
A New Mexico company has petitioned the federal government to become the first U.S. business to offer horse meat for human consumption. You can get horse meat on the menu in some restaurants now. So if you're in Albuquerque, avoid the Philly Cheese Steak. –Jay Leno
Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is "Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins." –Conan O’Brien
President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his second proposal, "free pizza in my room." –Conan O’Brien
Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards. –Conan O’Brien
Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day. –Conan O’Brien
One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute. I've got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars. –David Letterman
These are jobs that should've gone to American hookers. –David Letterman
Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West. Her publicist says it's for real. In fact they're already planning the sham wedding. –David Letterman
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