Here are some very funny political quotes from a variety of sources ranging from Abraham Lincoln to Mark Twain:
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." —Mark Twain
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." —President Abraham Lincoln
"I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." —President Ronald Reagan, during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale
''You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure.''
—President John Kennedy
''Don't be so humble -- you are not that great.''
—Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir, to a visiting diplomat
''You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy.''
—Bill Clinton, looking at 'Juanita,' a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum (When asked about the remark, White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry privately quipped to reporters, ''Probably she does look good compared to the mummy he's been f**king.'')
''What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?''
—Ronald Reagan, on Clint Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel
''Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.''
—Mark Twain
''Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.''
—Groucho Marx
''He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.''
—Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer
''Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.''
—Ronald Reagan
''If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush's head.''
—Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush
''Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.''
—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
''If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?''
—Abraham Lincoln
''There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and...evil.''
—Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event
''Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.''
—Ronald Reagan
'I don't know whether it's the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.''
—Bill Clinton, on the White House
''The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get elected and prove it.''
—P.J. O'Rourke, 'Parliament of Whores'
''I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting.''
—Ronald Reagan
''As Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying roadkill-eating tobacco juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?''
—Dave Barry
''Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.''
—Bill Clinton
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ''Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee with poison.''
Churchill: ''Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.''
''I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.''
—Ronald Reagan
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