Funny Observations from the News – 08/10/10

Here are some funny observations that are based on the news from this week, enjoy:

Justin Beiber is going to be writing his memoirs; there are rumored scandals of breast feeding as a baby and illicit nap time behavior when he was in kindergarten.

Tiger Woods had the worst 72 hole score of career over the weekend, apparently he is having a serious problem with his putter.

Evidently, it was the holes he scored after golfing that kept his game sharp.

Disney raised prices again at their theme parks. So it is not only the happiest place on earth but they are also making the shareholders of their stock the happiest people on earth.

Kentucky basketball coach, Rick Pitino, testified in a court case that he had sex with a woman in a restaurant but it only lasted 15 seconds.  He also complained of having a dribbling problem afterward.

After testifying he apologized to his wife but he did tell her that he was thinking of her the whole time.  Then he got in trouble with her all over again for only thinking of her for 15 seconds.

The US Post Office reported a loss of $3.5 billion last quarter, which is actually good for a government organization.  If they can get a little guidance from Congress they could probably double or triple their losses.

Lady Gaga told Vanity Fair that she is an occasional cocaine user.  The drug companies were very excited about this because now they can say, “See, you don’t get those kind of side effects from our drugs.”

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Some More Obama Jokes

Here are some funny Obama jokes that I got off of various places on the Internet:

Obama has decided to change the name of "Air Force One," the Presidential jet. He's going to rename it "Air Force The One."

Under both ObamaCare and the Clunker program, bills are divided into parts and labor.

Astronomers have spotted an object in space that they say is potentially dangerous, yet for a year it's just sat out there and has done nothing. For that, they've named the object COMET OBAMA.

And marine biologists have spotted the deepest living fish ever, near the ocean floor at the Earth's lowest point. They're calling it, the Barack Obama Approval Ratings Fish.

You remember the Reagan era, when Ronald Reagan was President, and Bob Hope and Johnny Cash were still with us? Well, now we have Obama, no hope, and no cash.

Q: What is the difference between ObamaCare and a car battery?

A: The battery has a positive side.

Exhausted and ill from the effort of enacting the Obama healthcare plan, an elderly Senator goes to the doctor. Doctor says, "I have bad news, good news, and bad news, Senator. The bad news is that you only have six months to live. But the good news is that there’s an operation that is 100% successful in curing this illness." "That sounds great, Doctor," says the Senator, "but what’s the other bad news?" The Doctor replies, "The Department of Health and Human Services says the first available slot is seven months from today."

In the washroom at the airport I saw a handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers: "Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!"..........There's nothing like "hot air" and the smell of crap to give you that true Obama experience!!!!

New bumper sticker:

Obama lied, the economy died.

Q. Why did Obama cross the road?

A. Actually, Obama promised to cross the road, but then he didn't.

If Obama had half a brain, his butt would be lopsided.

President Obama is to statesmanship as an Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 08/06/07

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

"A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush." –Jay Leno

"They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own." –Jay Leno

"A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. ... Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings." –Jay Leno

"Just a few weeks after they announced their engagement, Bristol Palin claims that she has officially broken things off with Levi Johnston after he told her he may have gotten another woman pregnant. That's always the deal breaker, isn't it? Apparently they agreed to be abstinent until they were married, Levi just thought it meant with Bristol." –Jay Leno

"How can we pull 130,000 men out of Iraq when we can't even get Levi to pull out of his own girlfriend." –Jay Leno

"The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It's getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Charlie Rangel and Congresswoman Maxine Waters met this to work out their new number one issue: prison reform." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Rangel has been accused of 13 ethics violations, or as they call it in Washington, fundraising." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, 'Mom, put the gun down.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than Brett Favre." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere." –Jay Leno

"Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it's under water. They don't call them experts for nothing. " –David Letterman

"President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and 'Good luck in Afghanistan!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Do you know that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq? I didn't even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there." –Jay Leno

"Three convicted murderers escaped from a prison in Arizona. The governor told the people, 'Don't worry, all three murderers are American citizens.'" –Jay Leno

"Us magazine is reporting that Levi Johnston wants to get a GED. Or whatever they call that thing women use to not get pregnant." –Jay Leno

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The Irony of iPhones

Let’s be clear from the start, iPhones suck.  The irony of the whole thing is that they are many things to many people and they have certainly been called many names, I’ve had a few choice words for them for sure, but they most certainly cannot be called a phone.

To say that the iPhone sometimes drops calls would be like saying Osama bin Laden has a somewhat unfair attitude towards Americans, or that President Obama occasionally likes to spend other people’s money, or the John Edwards has sometimes flirted with other women.

I don’t even own an iPhone myself I’ve just tried to talk to a friend who has one.  But based on that experience I have a pretty good idea how it got its name.  The inventor of the phone at the parent company called his boss (while using his new invention) and said, ”I just came up with a great invention, I call it ‘I am a phone.’”  What the boss heard before the call was dropped altogether was, “(garble, garble)…great invention, I call it “I (garble) phone.”

The boss, being a typical executive from a huge multi-national corporation, gave the call its due attention after it was dropped and looked thoughtfully into space and said to himself, “Hmmm, he said it was great even though iphone is a stupid name…what the hell.  We need something new and I have a golf game to get to so…I know, I’ll capitalize the ‘p’ in phone so I can say I had something to do with it.”

And the iPhone was born.

If the iPhone could talk I’m sure it would sound very much like a foreigner just learning the English language (which is also how anyone feels when they are talking on an IPhone since you can only hear every other word.)  It would say, “Hello, I Phone.”  To that I would tilt my head and raise my eyebrows and say, “Seriously?”

Then it would frown and say, “Well at least I good texting apparatus and I video unit and I Internet source and I good storage unit and  I about 100 other things that nobody really understand but it nice to throw that number out.”

And I’d respond, “Yeah, I’ll give you those things, but you’re a piece of crap phone.”

And it would say, “Yeah, okay.”  Then it would walk away with its head hung a little bit but it would proudly sell itself to the next sucker with a couple hundred dollars and life would go on.

The CEO of the company that makes iPhones, who has the same first name as I do and whose last name is like the second word in the function that I’m guessing there is left to promote that the iPhone 5 will do, (Hint: the first word in the function is what the wind does …now go back and read that sentence again and you’ll get it) has said in response to complaints about dropped calls, “We’re not perfect.”  Well now I feel better about the whole thing because if they were perfect I guess they would have already included that function… Oh lighten up, I’m just kidding!

On that note I’ll sit back and wait for all the nasty calls I’ll probably be getting from fans of the iPhone.  But I’m not too worried because I probably won’t be able to understand the call and it will drop altogether very soon anyway.

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Some More Jokes From Jack Handey

Jack Handey is best known for his Deep Thoughts on Saturday Night Live and here are some of his better jokes or "thoughts".  I had posted some others on Monday but I had some more I wanted to  post so here they are:

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true, what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

When I die, I would like to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Funny Observations From the News - 08/03/10

Here are  some funny observations made about the news over the last week:

Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was held this weekend.  Bill, being the consummate father, was surprisingly involved in the planning of the wedding.  In fact, he held individual meetings with the maid of honor and each bride’s maid to let them know exactly what was expected of them.

For the fashion conscious at the wedding, Hillary was seen hiking up her dress when she walked up some stairs and, not surprisingly, she was wearing a pants suit under the dress.

Over the weekend Lindsay Lohan was released from jail and coincidentally the stock on several alcoholic beverage companies soared on Monday.

Representative Charles Rangle was trying to cut a deal on his ethics charges so that his case wouldn’t go to a House Ethics trial.  He was even willing to cut the members of the committee in on his next deal if they let him do a plea.  Plus, he was even willing to go as far as looking up the definition of ethics in the dictionary, although he didn’t really think it was in there.

BP CEO, Tony Hayward will be transferred to a project in Russia.  Although, others had a different idea on where he should be sent straight to.

Andy Griffith is going to be touting Obamacare on a TV ad.  If he were still back in Mayberry Aunt Bee would be saying, “Oh Andy!”  And Barney would be loading his gun with his one bullet in order to shoot him.

Al Gore has serious public relations problems after having been accused of groping several women.  A few years ago he won a Nobel Peace Prize for raising awareness about global warming and for his documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”  Ironically, now the inconvenient truth in his life may get him the Nobel Piece Prize.

President Obama went on The View last week.  Many people thought he was going to promote his agenda but he just wanted to point out to everyone how white trash the Republicans are since Levi Johnston may have gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant.

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Some Jokes From Jack Handey

Jack Handey is best known for his Deep Thoughts on Saturday Night Live and here are some of his better jokes or "thoughts":

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas because that's what He's getting.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

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