Most of the late night shows were in reruns this week so except for the first few jokes from David Letterman from this week the rest are some funny jokes I picked out from the last few months:
"President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up." –David Letterman
"They're vacationing at the beach. He's down there with Snooki, Jwoww, the The Situation." –David Letterman
"President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide." –David Letterman
''Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, 'Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.'''—Jimmy Fallon
''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.'' —Jay Leno
''On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.'' —Jay Leno
''In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.'' —Conan O'Brien
''There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.'' —Craig Ferguson
''It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.'' —Craig Ferguson
''I understand it's not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he's ever come to wearing protection of any kind.'' —Jay Leno, on Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's wedding
''It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.'' —Jon Stewart
''During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.''' —Jimmy Fallon
''BP's company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.'' —Jimmy Kimmel
''What a week in Washington. They passed health care, they're talking about immigration reform, it looks like they've ended 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' and they're legalizing marijuana. Let me tell you something, if you're a gay drug dealer from Mexico who snuck across the border for free health care so you could join the Navy, this is the greatest year of your life.'' —Jay Leno
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