Friday, January 13, 2012

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/13/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would've taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow." –Craig Ferguson

"In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don't do well because this is the night when many of them realize, 'I served all those people pancakes for nothing.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I came up with a great slogan for Romney. "It's time to Mitt or get off the pot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah." –Jay Leno

"In Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you've got to speak Spanish." –Jay Leno

"While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was 'ready to rock and roll.' Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to 'easy listen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he'd better call a doctor." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber." –David Letterman

"During yesterday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don't wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, 'It was a pretty sick pass.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of 'Scooby-Doo' they did." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent." –Jay Leno

"During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is 'Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth." –Conan O'Brien

"I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there." –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States. –Jay Leno

Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, "Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. " He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states. . –Jay Leno

According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again. . –Jay Leno

They’re considering legislation to make it easier for same-sex couples who get married in the nation's capital to get divorced. Lawmakers say gay couples should be awarded the same rights as a Kardashian. . –Jay Leno

The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians. –Craig Ferguson

Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled "The Best President." Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen. -Jimmy Kimmel

A new study found that last year, America’s obesity rate actually went down. Yeah, the study was conducted by that one researcher: guy who hasn’t been to the mall in a year. –Jimmy Fallon

After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney is now two-for-two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two-for-one. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that MySpace is planning to launch its own Web TV service. And if you think that’s exciting, then you must work for MySpace. –Jimmy Fallon

Wal-Mart is now offering free tax advice at more than 3,000 of its stores. Finally answering the question, “Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter, and a shotgun all in one convenient location?” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

No comments:

Post a Comment