It Could Be Worse, Issue XI

It’s time for another episode of taking a look at how things could be much worse than they really are when you compare your situation to  that of some others.  Here we go:

It could be worse, you could be Roger Clemens, former baseball player indicted for lying to Congress about steroid use, and you thought since you were among the biggest group of liars on the planet that it was okay to lie, but then you found out you have to be a congressman for it to be okay to lie to Congress.

It could be worse, you could be a Nigerian businessman and you e-mail people telling them you need their bank account information to help get millions of dollars out of your country, and even in this economy you can’t find anybody stupid enough to fall for that scheme.

It could be worse, you could be Ben Bernake, Barack Obama, and Timothy Geither and you are actually so stupid, economically, that you fall for the scheme with the Nigerian businessman as a quick fix to handling the economy.

It could be worse you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper and she has started seeing  Ronald McDonald because she likes his Big Mac. (Sorry, I’ve done that joke before in “It Could Be Worse” but I tweaked it a little so I could justify using it again because I get such a big kick out of it.  Who knows, I may use it again next time too.)

It could be worse, you could be ready to retire and you make a list of all the things you want to do when you retire and you realize you can never afford to retire.  (Okay, that one may be a little too real to be considered humor, but it stays anyway as evidence of how badly the politicians have screwed up the economy.)

It could be worse, you could be Bill Clinton out to support the protest of GoTopLess.org proclaiming the woman’s constitutional right to go topless in public and you get such a bad infection in both eyes that you have to stay indoors and wear eye patches on both eyes.

It could be worse, you could be holding a charisma contest and the top candidates to win the thing are Al Gore and Harry Reid.

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Funny Observations from the News – 08/17/10

Here are some funny observations based on the news from this week.  It's better to laugh about it than to feel sad about it:

The flight attendant from Jet Blue, who freaked out on the job has become somewhat of a folk hero, of course, no one mentioned that it only among postal workers that he is a hero.  The Post Master General has notified him there is an opening at the Post office any time he wants it.

Mel Gibson was in a one car accident and no one was hurt but I bet he gave an earful to the person responsible.  Either that or he blamed a Jewish person or an ex-girlfriend.

Levi Johnston may run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  Since he was no longer running from Sarah Palin and her rifle he felt like he needed to run for something.

I recently saw a headline that said beer could lead to psoriasis in women.  So I guess the side effects are getting a lot more mild because excessive beer use to lead to pregnancy in women.

Obama wants to build a mosque at ground zero and then he wants to issue an apology to Osama Bin Laden for our buildings getting in the way of the planes that were being stolen from America on 9/11.

The movie Eat Pray Love opened last weekend.  It's a about a woman's journey of discovery and the discovery of how long a man can sleep in the theater with his eyes open.

Congressman Charles Rangel, who is facing ethics charges in Congress, had his 80^th birthday party last week.  When they brought his cake to him it had a file inside of it.

Denny's has something new, the Fried Cheese Melt, a sandwich made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with french fries and a side of marinara sauce.  They are replacing KFC as the official sponsor of the show The Biggest Loser.

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Romance: The Difference Between Men and Women

Romance is a wonderful thing.  It could be said that it is the glue the holds that holds relationships together.  The only problem with the subject of romance is that men and women have a totally different definition of what it is.

To women it is something like a candlelit dinner while the couple gazes into each other’s eyes with dreamy, loving talk and thoughts, holding hands, along with an occasional caress.  It’s the kind of ultimate experience she hopes can last a lifetime.

Men tend to be simpler.  To us romance equals sex, pure and simple.  That other stuff is what we have to go through to get “romance”.  To women the romance part ends when the sex starts.

Men, being the idiots we are, don’t really get that.  Okay, we get it a little bit but only enough to go along with it until we can get to the real “romance”.

A romantic marriage proposal to a woman would be for the man to carry out a plan that was months in the making.  It would include things like her being carried in a throne by eunuchs into a room that would be filled with flowers while doves fly overhead.  As the man drops to his knees one of the doves flies down and places into his hand the huge diamond engagement ring that he went deeply in debt to purchase just so he could make this special moment even more perfect for her.  With tears streaming down both of their faces he asks her for her hand in marriage, to which she replies, “Yes, oh , yes.”  (This type of female oriented romance will lead to actual “romance” for him soon after so he deems it worthwhile.)

On the other hand, a romantic marriage proposal by a man would be to put the ring down his pants so she gets it when they are being “romantic”, if you get my meaning.

Here is how a typical conversation might go between a man and a woman on the subject of romance.  Although, let me be very clear that the man in this scenario is not nearly as enlightened as the men in the above examples.

Woman:  We need to talk.

Man: (Rolling his eyes) Oh man, what did I do now?

Woman:  You didn’t DO anything.  That’s the problem.

Man:  (Confused) Huh?...Oh wait a minute, are you PMSing.

(The woman glares at him so intensely he can feel the heat penetrating his skin.)

Okay, that was clearly the wrong thing to say.  But I still have no idea what you are talking about.

Woman:  I’m talking about romance.

Man:  (Feeling more confident now) I don’t see a problem then, we just had sex last night.

Woman:  That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking…

Man:  (Cutting her off)  Hey, if you want to mix it up right now, I’m game.  (Looks at his watch) Although we need to hurry, there’s a football game coming on in five minutes.  And if you’re gonna insist on that foreplay stuff we have to get started

Woman: (Yelling)  I’m talking about romance not sex, you moron!

Man:  Well, you’re just talking crazy now.  I can’t even follow you at all.  Plus, calling me a moron totally takes me out of my romantic mood.  Besides, we’re running out of time anyway.  (Turns toward the TV)  Why don’t you just get me a beer and maybe a sandwich too.

Seconds later he receives his beer bottle in the back of his head.

In my defense, I did already say men were idiots.  And, for the record, I’m a great believer in romance…I’m just not saying which definition.

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Some Joe Biden Jokes from Late Night

Joe Biden has set himself up to be the best source of Vice-Presidential comedy writing material since Dan Quayle so here are some Biden jokes from late night since he's been in office: "Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'" --Craig Ferguson "Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon "Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it 'Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'" --Jay Leno "Here's something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he -- remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, 'No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.'" --David Letterman "At the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks....This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno "There was a private screening of 'Star Trek' at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them – it's not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that's why they didn't tell Joe Biden." --Jay Leno "Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the 'Today' show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don't think Joe Biden’s going to catch swine flu, but it’s pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease.” –Jay Leno "Vice President Joe Biden said on the 'Today' show that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, listen to this - the subways weren’t safe before swine flu." –David Letterman "Oh, on Friday, President Obama was taken to a secure location in the White House after a single engine plane strayed over White House air space. As a precaution, they took the President to a place in the White House nobody even knew existed -- Joe Biden's office." --Jay Leno "Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years." --David Letterman darnfunnyonline.com

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 08/13/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

"Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It could be the first time in history that someone has been arrested for going down an inflatable slide." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can't honeymoon in Arizona." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, 'Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If anyone is looking for a job, there's an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating." –Jay Leno

"Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have a license. Officials haven't issued a statement yet. They're busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles." –Craig Ferguson

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly." –Jay Leno

"The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That's an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government's most successful enterprise." –Jay Leno

"Plans are being finalized for Mexico's bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that's just in Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn't he?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mel Gibson's father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence." –Jimmy Kimmel

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The Dilemma of Going to the Doctor

Whenever I deal with doctors I always have a hard time remembering if it is a Hippocratic oath or a hypocritical oath that they take when they become doctors.

For the record I don’t go to doctors myself as a general rule but I have had dealings with doctors via others recently.  But, I just love it when the doctor himself has to turn sideways to get his fat ass in the door and then he tells his patient that he or she needs to lose weight.  It’s like Dick Cheney telling someone they need to be nicer to people.  Doctors, apparently, have almost as much of a reputation for being heavy drinkers as airline pilots do.  I guess that’s why they insist on having you sign release forms all the time. (And one more quick joke I need to get out of my system) How do gynecologists live with themselves?  All day long they are looking at women between the legs and then they have to go home and look their wives in the eye. (Okay I feel better now… wait I have to resist talking about proctologists…okay I got past it… I wonder if the guy who came up with the UPS slogan, “What can Brown do for you?” was a proctologist.  All right, I was not fully able to get past that urge.)

Anyway, when you go into doctor’s offices they always have the air conditioning blasting away, the magazines are usually old and they either have a medical video playing or a soap opera on TV.  Then there are people coughing and hacking up phlegm and the others look like they should have a chalk line drawn around them and they should be waiting for the undertaker rather than the doctor.  Pretty much if you weren’t sick when you walked in you’ll be well on the way to it before you leave.

Then when the receptionist tells you, “the doctor will see you now,” you know she’s lying through her teeth because you’ll just go into another room and wait in there.  Sometimes you have to undress when you get there too, which could be fun depending on what’s going through your head at the time.  Anyway, if that gets too boring you can always go outside each waiting room and switch the patient’s files.  It can help pass the time and it will really piss off the doctor too.

I recall a conversation I had with a doctor years ago, after making it through all that stuff and finally being in his presence.  It went pretty much like this:

Doc:  Okay turn your head and cough.

Me:  Wait a minute, I came here to have a wart removed.

Doc:  Oh right, some idiot must have switched the charts on me again.

Me:  (withholding laughter.)

Doc:  Okay then, turn around and bend over.

Me:  No, no, the wart is on my finger!

(I think, in retrospect, he was having his own issues.)

Doc:  Oh yeah, then why did you get undressed?

Me:  (Embarrassed) I don’t know it just seemed like the thing to do in a doctor’s office.

Doc: (looking at me strangely)  Anyway, let me see your finger…I’ll prescribe some Prozac for you.

(Doctors are the ultimate drug pushers)

Me:  I’m not depressed about it.  I just want it removed.

Doc:  Oh yeah, that’s right, the Prozac was for me.  (Deep sigh) I wish I had been a proctologist.

I told you he had issues.

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Again, More Obama Jokes

Here are some more Obama jokes that I gathered from various places.  No politician  deserves it more,  although there are many others who do deserve it, from both parties.

Barack Obama told Oprah Winfrey that he deserves to get a "good, solid B-plus" for his first year as President. He also claimed that Bo, the White House dog, ate the economy.

America is the china shop; Obama is the bull.

The aliens forgot to remove Obama's anal probe.

If Barack Obama had been the Commander in Chief of the Sioux and the Cheyenne, George Armstrong Custer would have died of old age.

Q. Why was Obama staring at the frozen orange juice can?

A. It said "concentrate".

Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama?

A. E = MC Hammer

Q. Why did President Obama feel it was necessary for him to apologize to the world and to degrade the United States?

A.  Jimmy Carter had laryngitis.

 

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?

A. Because it would be racist.

Like any corrupt Chicago politician, Obama would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'I ♥ Obama.' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

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