Here are some of David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:
Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If Chris Christie Were President
10 Al-Qaida taunts America with "Your president's so fat" jokes
9 Goodbye White House vegetable garden
8 Cabinet will now have a Secretary of Cake
7 New state: Fatbuttachusetts
6 Congress does whatever he wants, because fat guys are, like, super-strong when they freak out
5 Presidential retreat moved from Camp David to Hershey Park
4 Taxpayers would have to pay for the president's second seat on Air Force One
3 New national anthem: the "Chili's baby back ribs" song
2 Instead of Iraq, we'd invade IHOP
1 Scandal when president is caught in Oval Office with Betty Crocker and Sara Lee
Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble
10 Lost support from both whack jobs and nut jobs
9 At debates, he mostly goes with, "That's what she said"
8 Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter
7 He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters
6 His new slogan: "C'mon!"
5 Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry
4 Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran
3 Even his wife is wearing a "Herman Cain" button
2 Instead of "Freedom" and "Liberty," his cowboy boots read "It's" and "Over"
1 Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Television
10 Your name is Howard, but you go by Howie Five-O
9 You lie awake at night worrying about Mike and Molly's cholesterol
8 You've had dreams about the Fox football robot
7 It's day three of being buried under your TV Guides
6 Your 52-inch high-definition butt
5 Only song on your iPod: the theme from "Benny Hill"
4 Cop pulls you over for speeding and you say, "I'm friends with Magnum P. I."
3 When your wife kicks you out of the house, you move to TBS
2 Had your Charlie Sheen tattoo removed and replaced with an Ashton Kutcher tattoo
1 You can actually tell the difference between "American Idol" and "The X Factor"
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