Friday, October 28, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 10/28/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'Brien:

"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman

"There's so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue." –David Letterman

"The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta. In other words, Gadhafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college. That's what I did." –Conan O'Brien

"A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was back in Los Angeles today, where he will appear on the 'Tonight Show' with Jay Leno, to highlight the one job that was saved during his administration." –Conan O'Brien

"It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi's body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It's one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that." –Jay Leno

"The guy who killed Gadhafi was wearing a New York Yankees cap at the time. So, for at least one Yankees fan, it turned out to be a pretty good October." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn't made up his mind about whether he'll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: 'Who was raising that question?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I just read that a bear broke into a candy store in Tennessee and started eating all the candy. That's right, a live bear filled with candy. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'the best piñata ever.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I'm very excited that President Obama is coming tomorrow night and as you know he's on his nationwide 'I Whacked Another Terrorist' tour." –Jay Leno

"The world was supposed to end Friday. I don't think it did, though. Harold Camping also predicted the apocalypse was going to happen back in May and I don't think that one happened either. Well, you know what they say, the third apocalypse is the charm." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is reported to be the 12th time Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." –Jimmy Kimmel

We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we're the only place that has lower numbers than he does. –Jay Leno

According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top. –Jay Leno

A man from India has become the first 100-year-old person to run a full marathon. He’s 100 years old, but to be fair, he was 94 when he started the race. –Jay Leno

Chaz Bono was voted off of “Dancing With the Stars.” Afterwards, he said he appeared on the program to show America a different kind of man. Yeah, because if there's one thing America’s never seen, it's a white guy who can't dance. –Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said “I'm not one of these ‘word talkers.’” –Conan O’Brien

Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, “But he does know what he’s talking about.” –Jimmy Fallon

A company in England is coming out with a new perfume that smells like beer. Yeah, it’s called “Lohan.” –Jimmy Fallon

Sylvester Stallone is being sued for copying another writer’s screenplay to make “The Expendables.” Yeah, you can tell from the part where Stallone blows up a fighter jet and then goes, “Simba, one day all of this will be yours.” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

 

 

 

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

No comments:

Post a Comment