Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:
"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?" –David Letterman
"Chris Christie would have been the first American President visible from space. The Marine Band would have played 'Hail to the Chef.' If he'd run, the Republicans would have had to choose between him and Rick Perry. One's morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse." –David Letterman
"Chris Christie announced that he will not run for president. I don't think you have to announce that, I think you just don't run." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Not only did Christie say he's not going to run, he's also not going to jog or walk anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel
"People said it's not fair to joke about Chris Christie being fat when they wouldn't make the same kinds of jokes if he were gay. But it's a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay, he wouldn't be fat. I'd love to have him in the Oval Office. He'd fit right in." –Jimmy Kimmel
"In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it." –Jimmy Fallon
"Rick Perry is pretty serious about running for President. Today he freed all of the slaves on his ranch. Did you hear about that?" –Jay Leno
"Not looking good for Perry. In fact, earlier today, Herman Cain said that he would rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry." –Jay Leno
"That terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki, who was killed last week, was American-born and was a top recruiter for al-Qaida. You don't often see an American taking a foreigner's job." –Jay Leno
"Police in Massachusetts have arrested a man for allegedly planning to blow up the Pentagon and the Capitol by using radio-controlled model airplanes filled with explosives. Is this the best the terrorists have now? Using toys? What is Wile E. Coyote joined Al Qaeda. What's next? Maybe a batch of poison cookies cooked from an EZ Bake oven?" –Jay Leno
"More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they're trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn't be surprising." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn't find a sitter for Biden." –Jimmy Fallon
"Actually, President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them." –Jimmy Fallon
"In a new interview, Michele Bachmann said that quote, 'China has blinded U.S. satellites with their lasers.' Which explains Michele Bachmann's new campaign adviser: Gary Busey." –Jimmy Fallon
"Special Forces killed the editor of al-Qaida's magazine. So your delivery may be a little late this month. Before this guy worked for al-Qaida's magazine, he worked for 'Carbomb and Driver.'" –David Letterman
"It's the third week of the Wall Street protests and they've closed down an entire Manhattan street. And then, the cops asked Michael Moore to move." –Craig Ferguson
"Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said 'yes' to an Obama proposal." –Craig Ferguson
"I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream." –Craig Ferguson
"There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes." –Craig Ferguson
They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping President Obama though. –Jay Leno
Amanda Knox is finally home and she says she doesn’t want to do anything that reminds her of Italy. So last night, they went to the Olive Garden. –Jay Leno
A woman in California has been in prison for 20 years after she murdered her husband and ate him. The sad part: It was the only time she and her husband had dinner together. –Jay Leno
Hank Williams, Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That’s a rookie mistake. –David Letterman
The Nobel Prize for medicine went to the team of doctors that X-rayed Kim Kardashian’s butt. –David Letterman
A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now, he’s off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox. –David Letterman
Gov. Chris Christie from New Jersey is not running for president. He weighed the pros, he weighed the cons, and then he weighed himself. –David Letterman
Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population. –Jimmy Kimmel
Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate. –Jimmy Fallon
Researchers in the U.K. have developed a vegetable called “super broccoli” designed to fight heart disease. Not to be outdone, researchers in America have developed a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo. –Jimmy Fallon
Today first lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the Secret Service headquarters. Michelle was like, “You guys are great. But since I was able to surprise you . . . you're fired.” –Jimmy Fallon
The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It's kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot. –Jimmy Fallon
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