I just finished the annual abuse ritual that I am forced to endure each year around this time. By that I am referring to wrapping Christmas presents. I actually dislike wrapping them more than I dislike shopping for them, which is really saying something.
I only shop for and wrap my wife’s gifts. She does all that for the rest of the people we give gifts to, the plight of being a woman, I guess. But she somehow does this with the same enthusiasm that Tiger Woods has when he discovers a porn star or cocktail waitress that he has not yet “dated”. I don’t understand it.
This year I had a solution. I was just going to get one big box and throw all her gifts inside. That way the torture is over much more quickly. She got wind of the idea and put the kibosh on it. I argued it was good for the environment as it saved paper and boxes. She didn’t go for it. I reasoned that this way would take less room under the tree. No go. I suggested how saving time from not wrapping individually would give me more time to reflect on my love for her. She suggested I reflect, while wrapping, on how much I enjoyed staying married.
I’m pretty sure when those Iraqi suicide bombers are recruited they ask them, “Would you like to wrap presents? Or, here’s another idea…” And when they promise them the 70 virgins greeting them in heaven they have to also put a clause in the contract that says, “you don’t have to shop for or wrap gifts for any of them…even the ones you really like a lot.”
I had the idea of buying her a car for Christmas and just sticking a bow on it but this year I couldn’t even afford one of the clunkers that was traded in the “cash for clunkers” deal. Plus, giving a battered up car as a gift would be like having the wrapping paper all crooked and not very pretty….which is pretty much how the boxes I wrap look anyway, now that I think of it.
I wondered if other men had as much distaste for wrapping gifts as I did. So, while I was at the mall doing my shopping I thought I’d ask other men what they thought. I saw a guy sitting on a bench staring out at the crowd. I said to him,” What do you think of wrapping gifts?”
He kept staring. I repeated the question. He finally gave an answer which consisted of a loud snore and “zzzzzzzzzzzzzz,” as he fell deeper into sleep. I took that as a vote for my side.
Next, I decided to go to the gift wrapping department. I asked a man there why he wasn’t wrapping his own gifts. He responded with, ”My hands are too big to properly manipulate the paper and tape.”
Being the devil’s advocate, I asked if he was a fisherman. He very enthusiastically said he was. So I asked him how he could tie a lure onto the fishing line. He explained in great detail how that was a different proposition. To sum it up, though, the reason he could do that is because it was something he enjoyed.
I think it’s safe to say that I am not alone in disliking Christmas gift wrapping. So let me end by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. (How’s that for a wrap up? And it’s one I enjoyed!)
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