Through intense scientific research (meaning I saw an article in the newspaper that was located next to the comics) I have discovered information that is likely to make women feel superior to men. There may be a multitude of reasons for them to feel that way, but this is scientific fact.
It turns out that in the first ten weeks of fetal development all brains are female. Then, in boys, a huge surge of testosterone hits the brain, killing cells in the communication center and growing them in the sex and aggression center. This explains why men don’t like to talk about their feelings unless those feelings are penis related and also why we leave the toilet seat up when we go to the bathroom as it allows us to be more aggressive in our return trips as we no longer have to bend over to lift the seat.
Because of the testosterone, the male fetus typically lags three weeks behind the female neurologically at birth. And according to what I’ve heard many females say the gap widens from there.
On the plus side for us men though, the testosterone poisoning does come in handy later because it helps some coordination neurons develop better which allows us to catch footballs, basketballs, and baseballs more easily. This is vital to society because if not for those skills there would be no sports on television and then there would be no place for the beer companies to show their commercials.
Testosterone is the thing that makes men and women different. Women with their greater communication skills like to talk about intimacy, and men, because they have more testosterone, like to be intimate (to be clear here, the male definition of intimacy is having sex.) Women, when the car breaks down, will say they think they heard the doohickey rattling before it broke. Men due to their greater testosterone levels, will open the hood of the car and nod knowingly and pretend to fix it before they take the car to a professional to get it fixed. And lastly, when a woman passes gas it will be a great source of embarrassment, but to a man, again, thanks to testosterone, will turn such an event into uncontrollable laughter and entertainment.
Nature, in its infinite wisdom, develops the female brain very precisely with less variation in how girl’s brains develop, which is why women universally think the dress they are wearing makes their ass look fat. On the other hand the male brain has many more variables which is why sometimes you get Einstein and sometimes Larry the Cable Guy.
I can almost hear two of these fetal brain cells having a conversation prior to the testosterone attack that turns them male:
First female brain cell: Let go to lunch and have a nice talk about our feelings.
Second Female brain cell: That sounds great but I’m not really hungry I just had a testosterone snack.
First cell: Oh, what’s that like?
Second cell: Well I heard it was good for when you’re feeling bloated, so I thought what harm could it do .
First cell: I heard it make you stupid though.
Second cell: Really, I never heard….WHOA! I think it just kicked in, talk about a stimulus act. I’ll bet Obama didn’t have this kind of stimulus in mind when he came up with economic stimulus. Bill Clinton and Kennedy were probably thinking this way though.
First cell: Oh my goodness, what’s happening?
Second cell: I don’t know, but you suddenly look awful darn hot to me. How about we skip lunch and go to my place and see what we can cook up there? If you get my meaning.
And there you have it women, we were just like you until the testosterone hit us. So it’s not really our fault at all.
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