Today we have our guest advice columnist back for another visit, the infamous (after her last column), Dear Crabby.
We’ll get right into her candid, yet not always the most helpful, answers to your questions:
Dear Crabby,
I am a woman in my mid twenties and although I don’t consider myself bad looking I am considering plastic surgery, kind of like my idol Heidi Montag has done. What do you think of that idea?
Not Really Homely
Los Angeles, CA
Dear Not Really Homely,
My first inclination is to ask you if you are a moron but your question has clearly established that you are so there is no need ask that. In answer to your question, “What do I think of that idea?” I think it is a wonderful idea if you look like Earnest Borgnine and you don’t mind having one breast hang down to your belly button while the other one naturally goes up to your shoulder. It’s like having a bad hair day turn into a bad breast day, except that it is permanent. Otherwise, not the best idea.
And while on this subject, let me suggest you get a new set of values, or more clearly, get your first set since you have decided to idolize Heidi Montag. If you can’t acquire a set of values naturally, try Wal-Mart, they sometimes have sales.
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
My new husband plays World of Warcraft all the time and rarely pays attention to me. He has a birthday coming up and wants me to buy him apps that add to his playing this computer game. I don’t want to encourage him. What should I do?
World of Warcraft Widow
Chicago
Dear World of Warcraft Widow,
The only app I would buy for him is a gun and encourage him to shoot himself if he has a bad day playing the game. Also, don’t forget to make sure he has a lot of life insurance.
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
My boyfriend lives with me and he likes to walk around the house naked. I sometime bring my friends over and this can get very embarrassing. He just thinks it’s funny.
Sick of Dick (That actually is his name)
Phoenix, AZ
Dear Sick of Dick,
I can certainly understand your dilemma and I would consider kicking him out. In fact, why don’t you send this naked guy over to my house and I’ll give him a piece of my mind..or something. Oh get over yourself! I may be getting old but I am a woman with needs …so, seriously…send him over.
Crabby (and hoping to meet Dick)
Dear Crabby,
I’ve been married just over a year and in that time my husband has changed completely and also gained 100lbs. I’m not sure what to do. Help!
Weighed Down
Des Moines, Iowa
Dear Weighed Down,
Well, finally something I can sink my teeth into. And let’s be clear, I’m talking about the question, not your fat husband’s ass (that’s something I’ll be saving for the naked guy from the last question.) I see that you are from Iowa and that is the home to a lot of pig farms. I suggest you tell him to change his ways or you’ll take him to one of those slaughter houses there where I’m sure his fat ass will fetch a pretty penny. And, again, to be clear, sending this guy over to my place is not an option as I gave the lady from the previous question. (I’m saving myself for Dick.)
Crabby
(Note from the editor: That’s all the time we have for questions and I hope that none of the people writing in were offended by Dear Crabby’s answers. If you thought she was bad you should hear the advice her sister, Miss Ill-Manners, gives out.)
No comments:
Post a Comment