Monday, September 13, 2010

Tax Jokes for Election Season

Since we are into the election season this is a good time to keep attention on one of the major issues of the coming election, taxes.  So here are some tax jokes from over the last few years from the late night comedians:

"It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them." -Craig Ferguson

"The government is really asking a lot of us this month -- first we're supposed to count how many people live in our home -- then we're supposed to count how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry grandma." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Nobody likes taxes, but they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people." –Jay Leno

"Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno

"The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell." --Craig Ferguson

"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?" --Jay Leno

"Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'" --Bill Maher

"While [President Bush] was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, 'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes." --Jay Leno

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay." –-David Letterman

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