Friday, September 30, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 9/30/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'Brien:

"Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman

"The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they're trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they're in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies." –David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. So I guess he's taking the divorce well. ... They're eight feet tall and made of bronze and horse steroids." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"I voted for Obama because he was black, not because I agreed with him. I barely agreed with him that he was black." –Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore

"President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together." –Jay Leno

"President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's visit to Los Angeles has really messed up traffic. It took me two hours to get to work. Of course, I ride a little girl's bike to work." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for 'Jersey Shore.' The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red." –Conan O'Brien

"Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, 'Sorry you lost your job.' The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman." –Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden was a guest on 'The View' today. It was a little weird, When Whoopi said it was time for 'Hot Topics,' Biden was like, 'The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney's birth certificate, and then they got down to business." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"Perry said he didn't do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama's childhood obesity campaign, 'No Child Left With a Big Behind.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and Bill Clinton played golf together. You know what you’d get if you crossed Obama and Clinton? Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's campaign just launched a new program geared toward seniors called 'Operation Vote.' Great, just what old people need – another operation." –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or 'they will lose an ally.' Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists." –Jay Leno

"The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees." –David Letterman

"Someone smashed the windows in President Obama's L.A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

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