Here are the funniest jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Bill Maher:
"A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves -- but enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners." –Bill Maher
"Americans love Chilean miners. I haven't seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom." –Bill Maher
"One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining." –Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners
"They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer." –Bill Maher on the debate between Delaware Senate candidates Christine O'Donnell and Chris Coons
"The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Don't Ask, Don't Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can't afford to be seen being for freedom or equality." –Bill Maher
"New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you want to see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman." –Bill Maher
"TLC just released a promo for Sarah Palin’s new reality show. Haven’t the last two years been her reality show?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet." –Jay Leno
"'Jackass 3D' just opened. It's the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino." –David Letterman
"Vice President Joe Biden said that the Democrats up for election aren't running on their accomplishments because they're too hard to explain. So basically he's saying either voters are to stupid to understand or the Democrats are too stupid to explain it. You know what's even harder to explain? Why the Democrats are letting Joe Biden talk with the election just a couple weeks away." –Jay Leno
"Joe Biden said today President Obama has asked him to run again with him in 2010. So I think I speak for all late-night hosts when I say, 'Thank you, Mr. President." –Jay Leno
"For the first time in history, there are 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September. 100,000 people were told this fall they were going to lose their house. 100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi." –Jay Leno
"You know that anti-gay candidate Carl Paladino running for governor? He had this horrible anti-gay thing the other day. It turns out he owns two buildings that house gay night clubs. So I guess when it comes to making money, Mr. Anti-Gay's attitude is 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno
"Joe Biden told the New York Times that President Obama has already asked him to be his running mate in 2012. Not only that, he said Sarah Palin, Mitt Romey and the rest of the Republicans also asked him to be Obama's running mate in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon
"In three weeks Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, "Oh crap, that was yesterday?" –Jimmy Fallon
"California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That's how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid." –Jay Leno
"The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there's one thing we've learned over the past two years, it's that there's no such thing as an expert in economics." –Jay Leno
No comments:
Post a Comment