Friday, October 29, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 10/29/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

"Washington D.C. was under a tornado watch. It was pretty crazy, especially when the White House landed on Christine O'Donnell." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton turned 63 years old yesterday. Bill put rose petals on the bed in a nice hotel and then called Hillary and wished her happy birthday." –Jimmy Fallon

'Election Day is less than a week away. It's a shame that either of these parties has to win.' –Jay Leno

"It looks like California is on the verge of legalizing marijuana. You thought the haze over L.A. was bad before." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat - then it's next Tuesday." –Jay Leno

"Election Day is next Tuesday. According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?" –Jay Leno

"The President left a campaign event in Rhode Island yesterday saying he had to go home to 'walk the dog and scoop the poop.' That's not a job for the president. Where's Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, 'Are you sure I didn’t write these?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"NPR has fired Juan Williams after he said when he sees people in Muslim garb at the airport, he gets nervous. I get nervous when I see people in pilot uniforms hanging around the airport bar. Call me a bigot..." –Jay Leno

"According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she's behind by 13 points. That's the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees." –Jay Leno

"The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer's new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well of course, they only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer’s past, he pays $5,000 an hour, usually." –Jay Leno

"The judges were raving about Bristol Palin on “Dancing With the Stars.” Her mother must have threatened to shoot someone." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted." –Craig Ferguson

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