Jeff Foxworthy One-Liners

Here are some very funny one-liner jokes from Jeff Foxworthy, the "Redneck comedian":

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

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