Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/22/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

PETA released an ad for Thanksgiving targeting kids saying, “If you wouldn’t eat a dog, why eat a turkey?”  All the kids from Korean and Vietnamese families in the United States are like, “What’s the problem?”

The Post Office lost $5.1 billion last year making it the most successful government organization in history.

President Obama is trying to get Bill Clinton to openly back him but Herman Cain is the most likely candidate to appeal to Clinton.

There was a video going around the Internet last week showing Obama as a college student doing a segment for Black History Week.  Even back then you could see how good he was with a teleprompter.

Rick Perry has accused Obama of thinking he’s the smartest guy in the room.  I don’t know about that but you certainly can’t argue with the fact that he is really good at reading out loud.

Rick Perry has also challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate.  If he can’t beat her at that he has a backup plan.  He’s going to challenge her to a facial expression contest.

Last week the Occupy Wall Street protesters occupied the New York City subways…because that’s where they thought they would find all the millionaires?

If the NBA strike continues it could start to become disastrous to many of the players when their next child support payments come due.

A man was arrested last week for shooting at the White House.  When asked why he did it he said, “Ah, it was worth a shot.”

Congress approval is at an all-time low and people are saying it can’t go any lower.  Congress is taking this as a challenge and they are putting their Supercommittee to work on the job.

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Late Night Takes on the Liberals

Here are a small sample of some jokes by the late night comedians about the liberals:

''Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.'' —Conan O'Brien

''A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.''' —Jay Leno

''After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. ... But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink.'' —Craig Ferguson

''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that's probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.'' —Seth Meyers

''In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, 'If you want to go forward you put your car in 'D.' If you want to go backward, you put your car in 'R.'' But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F'd.'' —Jay Leno

''President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.'' —Conan O'Brien

''A new poll shows that Tiger Woods' popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama's popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.'' —Jay Leno

''It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.'' —Jay Leno

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/15/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Lady Gaga is going to have a Thanksgiving special this year.  In honor of the holiday she’ll perform in a turkey meat dress.

According to the Department of Homeland Security, Al-Qaeda may be targeting our food supply with deadly chemicals.  Sorry Al-Qaeda, Kraft, Heinz, Nabisco, Campbell's and a few others already beat you to it.

One of Herman Cain’s accusers said he made inappropriate advances and tried to reach up her skirt.  Obviously, he was not a politician back then or he would have not only succeeded in reaching up her skirt but would have successful in getting her to have sex with him.

Cain is being attacked for inappropriate behavior.  Nobody’s talking about Obama’s inappropriate behavior, such as Obamacare, where he didn’t just try but has succeeded in screwing the whole country.

Two gay penguins in a Toronto zoo are being separated and they are trying to pair them up with female penguins.  As part of the process neither penguin will be allowed to see any more episodes of the TV show Glee.

There is a Congressional Supercommitee in charge of finding at least $1.2 trillion in deficit reduction.  They are at an impasse.  There must be a definition of “super” that only Congress knows because from what I know of the word you could never apply it to anything to do with Congress.

Rick Perry has been accused of having brain freeze, which is likely a side effect of his cold heart when he approves executions.

In Georgia at a Taco Bell a deer jumped through the window.  Afterward, a Taco Bell spokesman gloated, “Now let’s hear people say there’s no meat in Taco Bell.”

Last week was International Fraud Awareness week.  So, technically, the entire government should have shut down, but being aware that they were fraudulent they decided to stay open.

Apple is working on 3-D technology that can be seen without glasses.  Someone should tell them that Mother Nature beat them to it with the invention of the eyeball.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/7/11 to 11/10/11

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from Monday, Tuesday and Thursday of last week:

Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses

10 There were three reasons why I messed up last night: 1. The nerves; 2. The headache; and 3. Um . . . Uh   . . Oops

9 I don't know what you're talking about — I think things went well

8 I was up late last night watching "Dancing With the Stars"

7 I thought the debate was tonight

6 You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude

5 Uh, El Nino?

4 I had a 5-Hour Energy Drink six hours before the debate

3 I really hoped it would get me on my favorite talk show, but instead, I ended up here

2 I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain

1 I just learned Justin Bieber is my father

 

 

Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn't Want To Hear On Election Day

10 “What? The election is today?”

9 “You need to sober up for your concession speech”

8 “You’re running for office? That’s hilarious!”

7 “There he is. Get him!”

6 “Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you”

5 “You’re losing the red states and the blue states, but you’re doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states”

4 “If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing”

3 “The only endorsements we’ve got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray”

2 “Asteroid! Run for your lives!”

1 “Gloria Allred, Line 1”
 

 

Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It

10 Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment

9 Now smokes more than his campaign manager

8 Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun

7 Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his moustache

6 Claims Justin Bieber is his father

5 Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain

4 Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray

3 Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts

2 Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I'm sorry, that was Rick Perry

1 He's engaged to Kim Kardashian

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/11/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

"As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for." –Jay Leno

"At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That’s what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt." –Jay Leno

"If the Earth was visited by aliens, this would be a huge problem for the Republican Party. Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he's not even voting for himself." –Jay Leno

"The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo." –Jay Leno

"After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in." –Jay Leno

"The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job." –Conan O'Brien

"It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week." –David Letterman

"There's another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he's getting attacked for it all of a sudden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain -- like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt." –Stephen Colbert

"There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, 'We're still getting used to having a Muslim president.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that's kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he's not a liar, he's obviously not cut out for politics." –Jay Leno

"A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America." –Jay Leno

"The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can't even find aliens sneaking across the border." –Jay Leno

Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they've had them since the 60's. I don't think he's that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box." –Jay Leno

"Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He's leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party." –Jay Leno

'The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee." –Jay Leno

"Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech." –Jay Leno

"You're here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser." –David Letterman

"Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That's got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free." –Craig Ferguson

"The latest castoff from 'Dancing With the Stars,' Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I'm sorry. That's a joke from next year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We'll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we'll give you your money back." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Differences Between Cats and Dogs

We’ve all seen many comparisons of cats and dogs.  Many people strongly favor one or the other, although some people are bi- household animal lovers and have both dogs and cats.  Very often we wonder what animals are thinking and we can only guess.  Fortunately, today we have Dr. Stevie Doolittle here to tell us what they really think and say.  (That’s me, by the way.)

First of all, you should know that cats always talk in a very snotty aloof British accent.  Not that all British accents are snotty, of course, but the ones that cat’s use is, like that of a billionaire’s English butler.  The exception to this is if your cat is from the south, then he talks in a slick southern plantation owner accent.  Most dogs don’t have a real accent except for the real small breed like Chihuahua, Pekinese, etc., pick you breed (also pick your accent.)  Dogs are always enthusiastic, but the smaller ones are sometimes antagonistic.  For example, if you walk past a yard that has a Chihuahua in it and he is barking vigorously at your ankles, what he’s really saying is, “This is my land.  Get away or I’ll scratch your eyes out, I’ll kill you, I’ll pulverize you, I’ll have you for lunch, etc.”

That’s what he’s saying until you step towards him or lightly stomp your foot at him.  Then as he’s running away he’s saying, “Whoa, whoa, I was just kidding, can’t you take a joke and just so you know I’m not scared I just thought I heard my human call me.”  Then he forgets why he was running away and comes back to barking at your ankles and the whole sequence starts over again.

If you ask a dog to shake his paw here’s what he’s thinking as he gives you his paw, “Sure, what else you want?  Wanna play? I can fetch.  Want your slippers? I’ll get the paper. I’ll sniff your butt if you bend over.”

Ask a cat to shake his paw and this is what you’ll get.  A smug stare followed by the thought, “I don’t do tricks.  But here’s one you can do.  You can kiss my…No, I need to train this imbecile better.  Get me some food and brush me and we’ll discuss this need to shake later on…if I can fit you in between naps.” And he walks away.

If you call a dog to come over where you’re at he’ll do so enthusiastically, wagging his tail, even if he was in a sound sleep when you called him and he’ll be saying, “Wanna play? I can fetch.  Want your slippers?  I’ll get the paper.  I can sniff you butt if you bend over.”

If you call a cat to come to you when he was in a sound sleep, which is pretty much always how they are, he may open his eyes to look at you, but if he bothers it’s only to give you the message, “You annoy me.”

When you compliment a dog he’ll get excited and wag his tail and say “Wanna play? I can fetch.  Want your slippers?  I’ll get the paper.  I can sniff your butt if you bend over.”

If you compliment a cat it will give you that long uncaring stare and say, “Duh, I know I’m beautiful.  Don’t expect a compliment in return.  I’m liable to defecate in your shoe for speaking to me.  Now, do something to serve me, you peon.”

I think you get the idea in the difference between cats and dogs.  This is neither meant as an endorsement or condemnation of either animal, it all has to do with what you want in an animal.  But one thing is for sure, if you are looking to get your butt sniffed, go for the dog.

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Late Night Occupy Wall Street Jokes

Here are some of the best jokes from the late night comedians about the Occupy Wall Street protests:

"More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to 'I'm freezing my beard off.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen." –Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?'" -Conan O'Brien

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is not going away. They called yesterday for a general strike, for people to stay home from work and boycott any spending – otherwise known as what we're doing already." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus." –Jimmy Fallon

"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It's two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren't fresh, but still it's a start." –Bill Maher

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch's house chanting, 'What do we want?' Murdoch interrupted saying, 'I already know, I hacked your phones.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They've started to attract a very unsavory element — celebrities." -Craig Ferguson

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there's nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn." –Seth Meyers

"The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That's longer than most NBC sitcoms last." –Jimmy Kimmel

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