Friday, November 11, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/11/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

"As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for." –Jay Leno

"At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That’s what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt." –Jay Leno

"If the Earth was visited by aliens, this would be a huge problem for the Republican Party. Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he's not even voting for himself." –Jay Leno

"The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo." –Jay Leno

"After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in." –Jay Leno

"The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job." –Conan O'Brien

"It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week." –David Letterman

"There's another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he's getting attacked for it all of a sudden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain -- like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt." –Stephen Colbert

"There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, 'We're still getting used to having a Muslim president.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that's kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he's not a liar, he's obviously not cut out for politics." –Jay Leno

"A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America." –Jay Leno

"The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can't even find aliens sneaking across the border." –Jay Leno

Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they've had them since the 60's. I don't think he's that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box." –Jay Leno

"Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He's leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party." –Jay Leno

'The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee." –Jay Leno

"Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech." –Jay Leno

"You're here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser." –David Letterman

"Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That's got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free." –Craig Ferguson

"The latest castoff from 'Dancing With the Stars,' Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I'm sorry. That's a joke from next year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We'll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we'll give you your money back." –Jimmy Kimmel

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