For this week’s article we have a guest columnist, who may return periodically, assuming I’m not arrested or burned in effigy as a result of the advice she gives out. Please welcome Darnfunnyonline’s new advice columnist, “Dear Crabby”.
Now for the questions from our readers:
Dear Crabby,
I was recently on a flight to see an old, dear friend and while going through airport security they had me stand in one of those scanning machines that essentially allows the security people to see my naked body. I was assured the picture would be deleted immediately after they examined it. It was an awkward moment and I honestly didn’t know what to think. What should I have done?
Embarrassed in North Dakota
Dear Embarrassed,
Since you said your “old, dear friend” I’m guessing you are no spring chicken yourself, and add in the fact that you are from North Dakota, where it’s cold enough to make you feel like your life is hell, yet it freezes over all the time, I assume you rarely have been seen naked in recent times. So, instead of whining about it be glad someone finally wants to see you that way. If by some chance you are a hottie then your pictures are probably being sold on some porn site as I write this letter. After all, airport security is a federally funded organization and they gave all their money away to the banks and insurance and auto industries, so they gotta get money somehow. So next time this happens tell them you at least want a piece of the pie and ask for a royalty. The other alternative to the body scan is getting a full body pat down, which could be fun too, depending on how you look at things.
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
I’m a college student and I think I might be pregnant. What should I do?
Oops! In Oregon
Dear Oops,
First of all I’m assuming you’re blonde. Since you think you might be pregnant, do you also think you may have had sex without a condom? As to what you should do, since you are a college girl I’m guessing there is a library on the campus somewhere (It’s probably the building you walk by and wonder what they do in there.) Go to that building and look up birth control. Next, stop getting drunk on dates. And last of all, plan on taking off at least one semester from college.
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
My boyfriend likes to spend a lot of time at Hooters but he insists it’s because they have good food at reasonable prices. I’m not sure what to think about that. Any advice?
Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried,
I was wrong. I thought I couldn’t getter any letters that were more stupid that the pregnant girl’s above, but you have humbled me. I’m gonna make a wild guess and say he says he likes to read Playboy for the articles and he goes to strip clubs for the free chicken fried steak. My advice to you is dump Hooters boy and then get a life (and possibly a brain transplant.)
Crabby
Thank you for reading “Dear Crabby” and if you think she is mean you should have read some the advice given out by her sisters “Dear Pre-Menstrual Stress Lady” and “Dear Menopausal Woman”.
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