Here are some one-liners from George Burns. These mostly have to do with old age, but he was funny even before he used the age gag.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
At my age flowers scare me.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
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