Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.
"I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." –David Letterman
"Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born." –Jay Leno
"At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, 'Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for 'Up in the Air,' Jeremy Renner for 'The Hurt Locker,' and President Obama for the 'State of the Union.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' law. The new law will be called, 'Let's Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they're going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they'll bring it into the city." –Jay Leno
"And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers? Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They'd get off like that." –Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can't even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they're coming from? Where do you — we can't even play them. We don't have machines that old." –Jay Leno
"Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to NBA players." –Jay Leno
No comments:
Post a Comment