Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians.
"It's a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He's doing well. Doctors say he'll be up and shooting lawyers in no time." –Craig Ferguson
"About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done." –Craig Ferguson
"There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell." –Craig Ferguson
"I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick." –Craig Ferguson
"Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free." –Jimmy Kimmel
"More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village...Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything." –Jimmy Kimmel
"I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion." –Jimmy Kimmel
"But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can't raise or increase rates whenever they want. That's great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson's bar tab." –Craig Ferguson
"I don't keep many credit cards because I'm worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they'd beg me to take it back." –Craig Ferguson
"Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder." –David Letterman
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