We are into the beginning of tax season once again. It’s that time of year when we can all feel like a congressman’s mistress after a sexual liaison. And satisfied is definitely not the word I was thinking of.
Tax season is when we can all feel like we are government employees. The difference is that some of the employees get a check and the rest of us give our check to them. So, again we are back to that word I was thinking of in the first paragraph that was definitely not “satisfied”. Sex was not going to be the theme of this article but it seems to be so far, just not the fun kind, more like the kind you could expect on a blind date with Mike Tyson.
When someone calls the IRS for tax help on their toll-free number there is only a 70% chance that you will actually talk to a live person ( and when you do talk to a live IRS agent “live” becomes a relative term.) And then when someone is fortunate enough to talk to a person the conversation often goes something like this:
IRS agent: This is the IRS, may I help you?
Joe Q. Public: ...What? Is that a real person or did I actually die during the wait and I’m now in heaven?
IRS Agent: Well, sir, if you had died and you were talking to the IRS you would certainly not be in heaven.
(Author’s note: Even an IRS agent can have a sense of humor…at least in my article.)
Joe Q. Public: Okay, so, I have some questions. I’m looking at line 13 of my tax form and I’m not sure how to answer it.
IRS Agent: Technically that is not a question. You’ll have to ask your question with a question format.
Joe Q. Public: (impatiently) Okay, what does line 13 mean?
IRS Agent: What does anything really mean? Is there really any meaning in life?
(Author’s note again: A real IRS agent is not intelligent enough to even feign a philosophical attitude but I am using artistic license.)
Joe Q. Public: Huh? Oh, never mind. Let’s go to the next question. I am raising chickens in my back yard so I can afford to give my family eggs for breakfast each morning. Can I get a deduction out of that?
IRS Agent: No, you should be going out for breakfast to help the economy. That is two strikes against you. Three strikes and you get an automatic audit.
Joe Q. Public: Two strikes? What was my first strike?
IRS Agent: The line 13 question.
Joe Q. Public: (exasperated) But you never told me anything about line 13…Oh, never mind.
He hangs up the phone. The IRS Agent looks to her superior who was listening in on the conversation. He gives her a wink and a pat on the back and says, “Good job, if we start giving the public answers they’ll think we actually have an idea of what we’re doing.”
And there you have it, government efficiency at its best. Now you understand why GM has a plan to save itself by producing a new model of car called the Chevy Clunker. They’ll be able to sell them all to the government for cash.
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