(My computer was down last week so I didn't get to post these jokes like I usually do on Friday, so here they are now.)
Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:
"Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn't find any drugs on the premises, which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the 'NBC Nightly News' while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound - or as that's also known, 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"I don't know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house." –Conan O'Brien
"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien
"How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it's time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world's longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. " –Jimmy Kimmel
"Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him." –Conan O'Brien
"Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. In a related story, everyone's head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded." –Conan O'Brien
"With Herman Cain we're up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say." –Stephen Colbert
"President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?" –Jimmy Fallon
"I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don't know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian." –Jimmy Fallon
"Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he's polling is up." –Jay Leno
"Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign." –Jay Leno
"A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the UC Davis police department." –Jay Leno
"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno
"A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress." –Jay Leno
"Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way...much like his political positions today." –Jay Leno
"It's Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, 'When I'm president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.'" –Conan O'Brien
"In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States." –Craig Ferguson
"Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia 'The Phantom Tollbooth,' while Malia bought Barack 'Economics for Dummies.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"That's right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China's credit card statement." –Jimmy Fallon
"I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named 'Jihad.' Or as the TSA put it, 'Hope you like Amtrak!'" –Jimmy Fallon
Facebook could be going public, sparking one of the largest initial public offerings ever, which will value the company at over $100 billion. And MySpace also has some exciting news. They too are hoping to boost profits by having a bake sale this weekend which could bring in as much as $35. –Jay Leno
Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we're all asking: “Why can't these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?” –Jay Leno
I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk. –Jay Leno
One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn't that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread “foreclosed” sign. –Conan O'Brien
Los Angeles is being hit by some seriously strong winds at the moment. I'm just curious, how many people were here for "Two and a Half Men" and they got blown into this studio? –Conan O'Brien
In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, “Sorry, but you did neuter me.” –Conan O'Brien
There's a man in Utah recovering from wounds after his dog shot him in the butt. The police think it’s because the man was wearing a Michael Vick jersey. –Craig Ferguson
It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.” –Jimmy Fallon
Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, “There was a ban on that?” –Jimmy Fallon
I heard that Facebook is in talks to launch an online gambling app next year. It’s a little weird. When you lose all your money, Facebook just repossesses your land on Farmville. –Jimmy Fallon
That’s right, Facebook is launching an online gambling app. Or you could just gamble the old-fashioned way: Get drunk and log onto Facebook. –Jimmy Fallon
High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. –Jay Leno
The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard. –Jay Leno
President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting. –Jay Leno
I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he'll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi. –Jay Leno
In a new interview, it’s revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent. –Jimmy Fallon
The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget. –Jimmy Fallon
A police officer in Florida could lose her job after she tried to cast a spell on her boss. Yeah, when asked for comment, her boss was like, “Ribbit.” –Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that Gmail users have the best credit, while people with Yahoo and Hotmail accounts have the worst credit. Or as people with AOL put it, “What's credit?” –Jimmy Fallon
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