Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:
Well, folks, it's that time of the year when the jolly man with the big belly stops by for his once-a-year visit. That's right, Charles Barkley on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen! –Jay Leno
Hanukkah celebrates the miracle when a few drops of oil kept a lamp burning for eight days. Doesn't that sound like some kind of product made by the ShamWow people? –Jay Leno
A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out. –Jay Leno
As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives. –Jay Leno
I found out my secret Santa was Kim Jong Il. Three days in a row I got sunglasses, then nothing. –Conan O’Brien
It's been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine. –Conan O’Brien
Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug. –Conan O’Brien
There was a big Internet rumor that Jon Bon Jovi was dead. That, of course, would mean that the band would be taken over by Kim Jong Jovi. –Conan O’Brien
Kim Jong Il made his staff call him "dear" and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen. -David Letterman
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato. –Craig Ferguson
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently went hunting, killed a bison, nicknamed it “Billy,” then mounted its head on a wall. Yeah, then Zuckerberg was like, “Anyone else want to complain about the new Facebook Timeline?” –Jimmy Fallon
According to a new survey, the most annoying word of 2011 was “whatever.” Which is why I always go with the much less annoying option: “Whatevsies.” –Jimmy Fallon
In honor of Christmas, a town in the U.K. held a reindeer race on Friday night. And of course, it happened to be right when my Grandma was crossing the street. –Jimmy Fallon
I heard that the Kardashian family just released a special 3-D Christmas card. And this is nice — the card even plays Kim’s favorite Christmas song: “The 12 Days of Marriage.” –Jimmy Fallon
The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now? –Jay Leno
North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il. –Jay Leno
When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, "I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap." –Jay Leno
During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February. –Jay Leno
North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset. –Conan O’Brien
It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded. –Conan O’Brien
I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants. -David Letterman
Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate. -David Letterman
Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you.” -David Letterman
The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out. –Jimmy Fallon
Speaking of the holidays, the Salvation Army says that someone actually dropped a diamond ring into one of their donation kettles. Or as Kobe Bryant’s wife put it, “You’re welcome.” –Jimmy Fallon
Scientists just discovered that rats can actually show compassion. Which explains why this morning on the subway, I saw a rat give up his seat to an older rat with shopping bags. –Jimmy Fallon
Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill. –Jimmy Fallon
I've got to admit, Christmas is strange in Los Angeles. People in Hollywood marvel when they see the nativity scene because rarely do people in this town ever see a baby being taken care of by both parents at the same time. –Jay Leno
USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. –Jay Leno
Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That's when you know your campaign's in trouble. –Jay Leno
President Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the next president is going to be saying. –Jay Leno
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