Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:
Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden. –Jay Leno
Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party. –Jay Leno
Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month. –Jay Leno
According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That's up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones. –Jay Leno
According to a new survey, 75 percent of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my staff is, “I will see you at the holiday party.” –Conan O’Brien
A special Christmas episode of "Glee" featured Chewbacca. I thought that was weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one. –Conan O’Brien
Parents in a Connecticut town are upset because their children's' bus driver told the kids that Santa Claus is not real and that Jesus wasn't born on Christmas. Then the kids got really upset when the driver told them, “And I don't have a driver's license.” –Conan O’Brien
Pippa Middleton made the list of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People. Who could be more fascinating than someone who's the sister of someone who married someone who's famous for just being born? –Craig Ferguson
Some people are objecting to Donald Trump being included in the list. Not me. I'm glad someone is finally giving Trump a forum so he can express himself and get some attention. –Craig Ferguson
Barbara has been doing these specials for a long time. The first time she hosted, the No. 1 most fascinating person was Socrates. –Craig Ferguson
Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on "Dancing With the Stars." –Jay Leno
Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the “country of Solyndra.” If an energy company was a country, don't you think we would've invaded it by now? –Jay Leno
Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, "Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno
According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. Yeah, these people are known as men. –Conan O’Brien
Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that. –Conan O’Brien
Pope Benedict announced he's going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people. –Jay Leno
I looked all over Hollywood today and I was unable to find a partridge in a pear tree. But I did find a pigeon in a homeless person's beard. –Jimmy Kimmel
Donald trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up. –Jimmy Kimmel
This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages? –Jimmy Kimmel
It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair. –Jay Leno
In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know. –Jay Leno
Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno
Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man? –Jay Leno
A guy went loose in a mall in New Hampshire smashing things with a hammer and he's charged with feeling like we all do in a mall around Christmas time. . –Conan O’Brien
Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, “I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.” . –Conan O’Brien
Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago. . –Conan O’Brien
Today was Green Monday, one of the busiest online shopping days of the year. I'll give you an idea of how busy it was. I was on the Wal-Mart website and I was pepper sprayed. –David Letterman
A woman was making meth in a Wal-Mart. But you know, it's nice to know that something in Wal-Mart is made in America. –David Letterman
A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That's awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It's like voting for Obama. –Craig Ferguson
Schools here in Los Angeles aren't allowing Santa Claus to come into the schools anymore. Not because of religious reasons, but they claim he's wearing gang colors. –Jay Leno
President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last night. He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles. –Jay Leno
A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, "See? That's what I’ve been trying to tell people.” –Jay Leno
President Obama said he is “very concerned” about the European debt crisis. While Joe Biden said he is quote “very concerned” about the drop in Nickelodeon’s ratings. –Jimmy Fallon
A woman in Oklahoma was arrested for making meth inside a Wal-Mart. Or as Wal-Mart put it, “Told you we had everything!” –Jimmy Fallon
A man in Russia is filing for divorce, claiming that he doesn’t remember ever getting married. Yeah, it’s like the wedding never happened — which explains his name, Vladimir Kardashian. –Jimmy Fallon
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