The holidays can be a tough time of year for many Americans. I’m not saying that because of the so-called holiday stress but because America’s collective asses are already way too big and this is the time of year they tend to get a lot bigger. People used to talk about California breaking off into the ocean because of an earthquake but these days there is more of a danger of the country splitting apart at the seams, say the Mississippi River, from all of the fat people spread throughout the country.
These days fat Americans are so addicted to sugar they are even eating the fruitcakes that have been being re-gifted year after year, possibly threatening extinction of the fruitcake (since they haven’t made new ones for a long time.)
Apparently, at this time of year the eating hormone kicks in and people are compelled to eat or drink everything in front of them, especially if it is sweet, greasy or alcoholic. This previously unknown hormone then gave birth to the New Year’s resolution where everybody resolves to lose weight, failing already on New Year’s Day because they are too hung over, they give up on the whole thing.
Then a new year leads to a gradual weight gain until they hit another holiday season where the fat clings to the body like a meat dress does to Lady Gaga. The whole vicious cycle starts again which is why power walking has given way to power waddling as a great source of exercise in America.
The holiday season is good for the economy, even after the fact, because of all the people who keep getting fatter have to buy new clothes, except for skinny pants. The sale of skinny pants definitely suffers from the holidays, except for that occasional female who tries to fit a size 14 body into a pair of skinny pants and makes it look like their ass is about to explode. (Even they wouldn’t have the nerve to ask, “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?” But they, somehow, still try to pull it off.) You see them walk by and look at the person you are with and all you can say is, “Seriously?” It’s the one time that a man can look at a woman’s rear end with their spouse in attendance and not get in trouble because there are just some things you can’t not look at.
While there are probably some people who actually lose weight during the holidays, they would never admit it though, because there would be too many fat people that would be pissed at them and would probably want to do them bodily harm, most likely by sitting on them.
The best thing to do regarding weight gain at this time of year is try to look on the bright side. Turn a negative into a positive. Don’t think of it as getting fatter, think of it as expanding the awareness of yourself. And as gravy on top of that (oops, sorry) think of it as income potential because you might soon be able to play Santa Claus.
I hadn’t realize this until someone just pointed it out to me, but stressed spelled backwards spells desserts so it just seems natural that the stress of holidays should cause one to eat desserts and be justified. But just as a word of warning, if you do that don’t stand too close to the Mississippi River at Christmas time.
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