Today, since we are in the midst of the Christmas season, I thought I’d give Dear Crabby, our guest advice columnist, another shot at showing she might actually have a human side. At least I’m hoping the Christmas spirit can bring it out of her.
Crabby: Bah Humbug!
Damn! I knew you’d ruin it, Crabby.
Crabby: (laughing evilly) Oh, Steve, you jokeless, twit-like wonder, don’t you know when someone’s yanking your chain? No one loves Christmas more than me. It brings out the craziness in people and they send me a lot more letters. A girl’s gotta work, ya know?
What a lovely Christmas sentiment, Crabby! Your problem is you are just mean.
Crabby: Wow! With rapier-like comebacks as witless as that I can see why you need me to liven up this site.
Whatever! Let’s get this over with and let you insult a few people with your ridiculous advice and then you’ll leave.
Crabby: Thank you for the lovely introduction you insipid drone. To our first letter:
Dear Crabby,
My boyfriend’s taste runs a little different than mine. What should I do if I don’t really like the present he gets me for Christmas?
Lost in the Holidays
Dear Lost in the Holidays,
I’m going to assume that, by his “taste runs a little different” than yours that, being a man, his taste is not only bad but he’s also a cheap bastard, at least when it comes to buying presents for you. Not so much with the cheap when he buys something for himself. Am I right? (Don’t actually answer that, it was rhetorical, and I don’t care what you have to say about it anyway.)
You’re not married yet so you have several options. First option: you could tell him that his taste sucks and if expects to get “it” for Christmas he better come up with something better than this. Second option: you could try to exchange it or return it. If you can’t do one of those without a receipt donate it to Goodwill so you can at least get that garbage out of your house. The third option: if you didn’t like my first or second option you could write to another advice columnist who actually gives a damn.
Crabby
(Time for a little break for a swig of the Christmas spirit…Ahhhh! That was good (hiccup) onward to the next letter.)
Dear Crabby,
My kids get so excited just before Christmas that it is hard to have any control of them. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle that?
Tired Mother
Dear Tired Mother,
Give them a shot of whiskey and put them to bed. That will shut them up and let them sleep really well. Then have a couple big gulps of the stuff yourself! It’s working for me right now!! (Oh crap, I just dropped my glass…no problem the bottle is still working –woooo!!)
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
I’m looking for a romantic place to take my new girlfriend on a date. I’m looking for something that is not too expensive, yet both fun and romantic. Any suggestions?
A Romantic guy
Dear Romantic guy,
Can your cheap ass afford a bottle of booze? You can take the bottle with you while you take her to her bedroom. That covers being cheap, fun and how much more romantic can you get than sex?
When you’re done with her you can come over to my place…just make sure it’s good booze.
Crabby
(Steve interrupts) Okay, Crabby you’re done. Go home and sleep it off.
Merry Christmas everybody!
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