Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/29/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

"On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman

"The country is running out of money and everyone is fighting. It reminds me a lot of my childhood." –Conan O'Brien

"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." –Conan O'Brien

"The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage." –Conan O'Brien

"McDonald's has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald's added cheese and beef to their apple slices." –Conan O'Brien

"The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, Al Qaeda is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Captain America' made $65 million over the weekend, which is about twice what actual America made." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of 'hiding in the basement' during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of 'locking him in the basement' during debt ceiling talks. " –Jimmy Fallon

"Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: 'President Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno

"We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan." –Craig Ferguson

“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? ... I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted 'The Bachelorette' to be like, 'Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'" –Jon Stewart

"President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age." –Conan O'Brien

"Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America's credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card." –Conan O'Brien

"According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don't know." –Conan O'Brien

"My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse." –David Letterman

"The debt talks failed again. Now, President Obama wishes he was born in Kenya." –David Letterman

"I heard that if we don't raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn't the auto club mind their own business?" –David Letterman

"We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we've got 14.3 trillion airline miles." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, 'Where's my money?'" –Craig Ferguson

"There's still no deal on this stupid debt ceiling. Each party is pursuing its own special plan. One calls for the American people to get hosed. The other calls for the American people to get screwed. So you pick out which one you want to do." –Jay Leno

"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part." –Jimmy Kimmel

They say “Captain America” is successful because it takesplace in a time when America could fight a war and get out ofa depression at the same time. A whole different thing from today. –Jay Leno

The Kardashian sisters made $65 million. Maybe they should be running the country. –Jay Leno

A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is “corrupt.” The other 64 percent think Congress is “extremely corrupt.” –Jay Leno

President Obama is losing support from his own party. In fact Jimmy Carter just compared him to Jimmy Carter. –Jay Leno

The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.-Conan O’Brien

Alex Trebek injured his leg while chasing down a burglar.Trebek insists that at no time was he in jeopardy, or double jeopardy. .-Conan O’Brien

This debt crisis still isn’t solved, but yesterday, the White House said it’s working on a “plan B.” Unfortunately, the B stands for “bake sale.” –Jimmy Fallon

Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner. –Jimmy Fallon   darnfunnyonline.com

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Don’t Let Them Bug You

When my girlfriend is fixing things around the house and the screwdriver and hammer are going rapid fire and I stand around pretending like I know what she is doing, I can at least feel really manly when she  screams and runs away from bugs and I take care of them.  So I am very grateful to all the annoying little insects in and around the house that help restore my manhood.

It’s not that I’m not capable of fixing things around the house I just like to let her feel extra valuable by doing all those things, plus I’m in charge of the bugs, already, so get off my back!  I can’t do everything around the house…Okay, I’m lying.  I don’t really know how to fix things at all, in fact, I can barely tell a Phillips head from Joe’s head.  (But I can at least spell Phillips head and knew not to put the apostrophe in there.  That should be good for something.)

I was careful, above, when I said “I take care of the bugs” and “I’m in charge of them,” for the readers that may be aghast now that I might injure the poor little insects.  Let me say that I do it in the most humane way.  When I see a bug in the house I very carefully and caressingly stun it into submission while I then find it a new home.  Admittedly, I sometimes also give them a new shape and size as determined by the angle that I step on them and the new home is in the trash can but I do try to think nice thoughts as I do it, such as, “Ha-ha, gotcha, you little…”

I like to make their new home in the trash can because if I see the other bugs having a funeral for their friend in there so much the better.   Then it is bonus time for the Bug Man! And I get to add them to my kill …or, ah, I mean, stun total.

I also do other manly chores around the house like washing the dishes, for example.  I get them really clean too, at least in my opinion.  I have heard occasional complaints about food residue being left on the outside of pans.  My theory on that is to let it go; it’s only the outside of the pan for god sake!  The next time the pan is used the food residue will help heat up the pan that much faster, thereby saving energy.  It makes it a very “green” thing to do, especially if the residue is green to start out with.

I also do cleaning around the house but I have to admit I am only good getting at surface dirt that you get in dusting and vacuuming, plus you get to vacuum up an occasional bug, which is really cool!   I think the deeper cleaning should be left to the professionals.  Okay now, if you were thinking I meant the professionals were women then you are the sexist, not me.  Besides that, my hands don’t fit into those rubber gloves very well.  (Yeah I know they have different sizes but let’s keep that between you and me.)

Lest anyone still have any attention on the life span of insects in my house let me assure everyone that no bugs were injured or killed in the writing of this article.  But after I’m done those little critters better run for the hills because I’m feelin’ manly!

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Funny Jokes from Steven Wright

I had posted some or all of these jokes at some time or another previously but Steven Wright is a very funny guy when you are looking for a fast laugh, so it is worth another round:

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

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Funny Observations from Current Events - 07/26/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Researchers in Japan have discovered a species of snail that migrates by letting itself be eaten by a bird and then flown somewhere and defecated out.  So their traveling experience is not that much different from when humans fly on many airlines today.

Charlie Sheen has a new series, Anger Management.  So this could be a reality program.

Donald Trump has a new grandchild.  The good news is so far the kid is mostly bald.  The family is hoping the bad hair gene will skip at least two generations.

Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman both said God was calling on them to run for President.   Unfortunately, for Newt Gingrich only bill collectors are calling him.

There is a 22 year-old woman who has a nipple on the bottom of her foot.  She gives a whole new meaning to the idea of “going out for a stimulating walk.”

Researchers aren’t sure if the nipple is on the bottom of her foot or if her breasts just really sag a lot.

A TSA officer was indicted on thefts of stealing 4 expensive watches, a $1,000 prepaid credit card and the virginity of 3 young women going through security to board a plane.

After yet another Ethics probe (Isn’t part of the problem too much probing?) of a congressman having an unwanted sexual encounter with a teen-aged daughter of a campaign donor, there was a rumor of a congressman who didn’t engage in extra-marital sex of any kind.  It turned out to be a hoax.

The findings of a new study show that your personality can trigger weight gain.  That is especially true if you feed your personality on a steady diet of McDonald’s food.

The producers of Dancing With the Stars have orders to find more high profile guest so if you are the second cousin of the aunt of a close friend of Brittany Spears your chances of getting on the show have just greatly diminished.

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Letterman's Top Ten from 7/18/11 to 7/21/11

Here are some of David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You're Too Hot

10 You were just named People Magazine's "Sweatiest Man Alive"

9 For you, business casual means a necktie and underpants

8 You begged Rupert Murdoch to hack into a Dairy Queen

7 You were caught texting photos of your heat rash

6 Your sunburns have sunburns: Kids, remember, Dave says wear sunscreen

5 Your baby daughter's first word: "clammy"

4 Your sweat is sweating — Kids, remember, Dave says drink plenty of liquids

3 Instead of the maid, you're spending time with the pool boy (Schwarzenegger only)

2 Every now and then your butt sizzles and smells like bacon

1 You sit through a taping of the “Late Show” just for the air conditioning

 

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing

10 Was filmed on the same soundstage where they shot "Green Acres"

9 Due to mapping error, initially landed in Moon Valley, Wisconsin

8 They returned to the moon a week later because one of the astronauts dropped his car keys

7 The astronauts each earned 2 million frequent flyer miles

6 Buzz Aldrin stuffed his space suit to make himself look bigger

5 Crew came to blows over who finished the freeze-dried lasagna

4 Astronauts were charged extra for not returning the capsule with a full tank of gas

3 Landed within 50 feet of a Starbucks

2 President Nixon missed the landing because he was watching "Ironside"

1 Neil Armstrong was also the first man on Mrs. Armstrong

 

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch's Mind During the Pie Attack

10 "Hey, free pie!"

9 "This would have made a great cover for 'News of the World'"

8 "How did he get past the pie detector?"

7 "A pie fight in Parliament — what is this, Benny Hill?"

6 "Duh, winning?"

5 "I was Punk'd — wait is Punk'd still on the air? Who writes this stuff?"

4 "Mmmm tasty"

3 "You know what was funny — remember that smoking baby?"

2 "Don't pie me, bro!"

1 "It's the same guy who broke into Letterman's theater"
 

 

Top Ten Pieces of Wisdom From Dave's Mom

10 Paying taxes is for losers

9 Neighbor's stereo too loud? Cut his power lines

8 If you're going to vandalize the Ed Sullivan Theater, disable the security cameras first

7 Whenever Regis calls, pretend your hearing aid is on the blink

6 If you catch a player's 3,000th hit, sell the ball and buy a Corvette

5 Always tip the dealer

4 No one cares how you feel

3 There's big money in black market cigarettes

2 Never bring a stun gun onboard an airplane

1 Tell your son his show is great, even if you prefer Leno, Kimmel, Stewart, Colbert, Conan, Fallon, Ferguson, and Lopez

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/22/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. The President asked about the political situation in Tiber, and the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez." –Conan O'Brien

"I don’t think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Old people don't know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper. 'This call smells like feet!'" –Craig Ferguson

"Is it any surprise that the British law enforcement can't stop the high-tech phone hackers? They can't even stop a guy walking into Parliament with a pie." –Craig Ferguson

"I think it's cowardly to attack an 80–year–old man with a pie. If the attacker had any courage, he'd go after Murdoch like I do: in the middle of the night from 5,000 miles away." –Craig Ferguson

"It's been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill." –Jay Leno

"The Governor of Texas says God wants him to run for President. Michele Bachmann says God wants her to run for President. If God's that indecisive he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy's voicemail." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rupert Murdoch said that he was embarrassed and that testifying before parliament was the most humbling day in his life. That's mostly because he spends every other day swimming in a bathtub full of money like Scrooge McDuck." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don't think this is what the Republicans meant by 'closing our borders.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't think Rupert Murdoch's guilty of phone hacking. He paid $580 million for Myspace. Obviously he knows nothing about technology." –Jimmy Kimmel

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn't turn 50 until Aug. 4. This means that even he hasn't seen his birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate." –David Letterman

"It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." –Craig Ferguson

"It's so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery." –Craig Ferguson

"The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

‎"If the conversation continues this way, we could very well hit the national bulls**t ceiling." –Daily Show correspondents Jason Jones, on the debt ceiling negotiations

It was so hot in Hollywood that Gary Busey became delusional and actually started making sense. –Jay Leno

President Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up. If you’re thinking about getting him something, he could use about $14 trillion. –Jay Leno

A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT’s computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, “Hire that kid on the spot.” –Jay Leno

It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape. –Jimmy Kimmel

The heat has been good for The Weather Channel. This is like their “Shark Week.” –Jimmy Kimmel

The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, “Are there any countries we don’t owe money to?” –Jimmy Fallon

It’s rumored that Jennifer Lopez will make $1 million for performing at a wedding this week. Or as Marc Anthony calls it, “half a million dollars.” ?” –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Minnesota says his iPhone survived a 13,000-foot fall after it slipped out of his pocket while he was skydiving. That’s not surprising. If there’s one thing the iPhone is good at, it’s dropped calls. ?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a “vicious battle” before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine. –Jimmy Fallon

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Can a Man Be Right?

A question many men have had down through the ages, after they have had a wife or girlfriend for a while is, “Is it possible for me to be right?”  The answer is going to be revealed now: Yes, it is possible for you to be right as long as you are not within hearing range of your spouse.

Of course, that doesn’t account for her hearing what you said later on and “correcting” you, so at that point all bets are off.  Momentary rightness is better than none at all.

Here is an example of what I’m talking about.  The husband is forced to go shopping with his wife.  She asks him a question:

Woman:  Which dress do you like best, the green one or the red one?

Man: (Tries to shake his head to wake himself up)…uh, I guess the green one is pretty nice.

Woman:  (Without even looking at them again to ponder) I think I’m going to go with the red one.

-------------------------

This is how this scene would go if she was looking at the same dresses with a girlfriend:

Woman:  I can’t decide which color I liked best.

Friend: Oh, I definitely like the green one.

Woman: You know, I think you’re right.  You are always so smart about these things.

This is what causes men to want to congregate at bars with their male friends.  There men are always right no matter how wrong (and stupid) they really are.  Here is an example:

Man: I think all words should start with the letter “B.”

(Everyone gets quiet and stares at him blankly.)

Man:  Drinks are on me!

Everyone else: (Cheering) Yeah, the letter “B.” Great idea, man, you’re a genius!

Unfortunately, for me, I don’t drink and I’ve always worked at home so I don’t really get out alone with male friends very often.  Consequently, I am rarely ever right. (Big Sigh)…maybe I should take up drinking.

The thing that makes it strange though is when a man first meets a woman and they start going out, for a very brief period of time, everything the man says is correct.  Sadly, this rightness lasts only a very short  time.  Apparently, the woman goes into the relationship hopeful that this man will be the exception and then she finally catches on that there are no exceptions.  She could rehabilitate his ability to be right but to do that she would have to ship him off to an island inhabited only by men. Ultimately, she knows that the closest her man will get to being right is that if he is right-handed.

It has been said that there are no absolute wrongs or absolute rights in this universe.  The closest measurable thing to an absolute wrong would be when a man is having an argument with his spouse.

It would seem then that women think that men are only good for one thing and being right is definitely not it.  Well, if that one thing was what I wanted it to be I could live with that.  Too bad it’s taking out the trash.

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