Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:
"On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America." –David Letterman
"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman
"The country is running out of money and everyone is fighting. It reminds me a lot of my childhood." –Conan O'Brien
"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." –Conan O'Brien
"The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage." –Conan O'Brien
"McDonald's has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald's added cheese and beef to their apple slices." –Conan O'Brien
"The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, Al Qaeda is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute." –Jimmy Kimmel
"'Captain America' made $65 million over the weekend, which is about twice what actual America made." –Jimmy Kimmel
"On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of 'hiding in the basement' during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of 'locking him in the basement' during debt ceiling talks. " –Jimmy Fallon
"Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: 'President Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno
"We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month." –Jay Leno
"Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan." –Craig Ferguson
“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? ... I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted 'The Bachelorette' to be like, 'Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'" –Jon Stewart
"President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age." –Conan O'Brien
"Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America's credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card." –Conan O'Brien
"According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don't know." –Conan O'Brien
"My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse." –David Letterman
"The debt talks failed again. Now, President Obama wishes he was born in Kenya." –David Letterman
"I heard that if we don't raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn't the auto club mind their own business?" –David Letterman
"We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we've got 14.3 trillion airline miles." –Craig Ferguson
"Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, 'Where's my money?'" –Craig Ferguson
"There's still no deal on this stupid debt ceiling. Each party is pursuing its own special plan. One calls for the American people to get hosed. The other calls for the American people to get screwed. So you pick out which one you want to do." –Jay Leno
"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." –Jay Leno
"The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part." –Jimmy Kimmel
They say “Captain America” is successful because it takesplace in a time when America could fight a war and get out ofa depression at the same time. A whole different thing from today. –Jay Leno
The Kardashian sisters made $65 million. Maybe they should be running the country. –Jay Leno
A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is “corrupt.” The other 64 percent think Congress is “extremely corrupt.” –Jay Leno
President Obama is losing support from his own party. In fact Jimmy Carter just compared him to Jimmy Carter. –Jay Leno
The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.-Conan O’Brien
Alex Trebek injured his leg while chasing down a burglar.Trebek insists that at no time was he in jeopardy, or double jeopardy. .-Conan O’Brien
This debt crisis still isn’t solved, but yesterday, the White House said it’s working on a “plan B.” Unfortunately, the B stands for “bake sale.” –Jimmy Fallon
Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner. –Jimmy Fallon darnfunnyonline.com
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