Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:
"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. The President asked about the political situation in Tiber, and the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez." –Conan O'Brien
"I don’t think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Old people don't know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper. 'This call smells like feet!'" –Craig Ferguson
"Is it any surprise that the British law enforcement can't stop the high-tech phone hackers? They can't even stop a guy walking into Parliament with a pie." –Craig Ferguson
"I think it's cowardly to attack an 80–year–old man with a pie. If the attacker had any courage, he'd go after Murdoch like I do: in the middle of the night from 5,000 miles away." –Craig Ferguson
"It's been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill." –Jay Leno
"The Governor of Texas says God wants him to run for President. Michele Bachmann says God wants her to run for President. If God's that indecisive he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno
"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno
"Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy's voicemail." –Jimmy Fallon
"Rupert Murdoch said that he was embarrassed and that testifying before parliament was the most humbling day in his life. That's mostly because he spends every other day swimming in a bathtub full of money like Scrooge McDuck." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don't think this is what the Republicans meant by 'closing our borders.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"I don't think Rupert Murdoch's guilty of phone hacking. He paid $580 million for Myspace. Obviously he knows nothing about technology." –Jimmy Kimmel
"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien
"MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name." –Conan O'Brien
"Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn't turn 50 until Aug. 4. This means that even he hasn't seen his birth certificate." –Jay Leno
"Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate." –David Letterman
"It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." –Craig Ferguson
"It's so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery." –Craig Ferguson
"The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks." –Jimmy Kimmel
"This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan." –Jimmy Fallon
"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon
"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon
"If the conversation continues this way, we could very well hit the national bulls**t ceiling." –Daily Show correspondents Jason Jones, on the debt ceiling negotiations
It was so hot in Hollywood that Gary Busey became delusional and actually started making sense. –Jay Leno
President Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up. If you’re thinking about getting him something, he could use about $14 trillion. –Jay Leno
A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT’s computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, “Hire that kid on the spot.” –Jay Leno
It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape. –Jimmy Kimmel
The heat has been good for The Weather Channel. This is like their “Shark Week.” –Jimmy Kimmel
The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, “Are there any countries we don’t owe money to?” –Jimmy Fallon
It’s rumored that Jennifer Lopez will make $1 million for performing at a wedding this week. Or as Marc Anthony calls it, “half a million dollars.” ?” –Jimmy Fallon
A man in Minnesota says his iPhone survived a 13,000-foot fall after it slipped out of his pocket while he was skydiving. That’s not surprising. If there’s one thing the iPhone is good at, it’s dropped calls. ?” –Jimmy Fallon
A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a “vicious battle” before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine. –Jimmy Fallon
No comments:
Post a Comment