Thursday, July 28, 2011

Don’t Let Them Bug You

When my girlfriend is fixing things around the house and the screwdriver and hammer are going rapid fire and I stand around pretending like I know what she is doing, I can at least feel really manly when she  screams and runs away from bugs and I take care of them.  So I am very grateful to all the annoying little insects in and around the house that help restore my manhood.

It’s not that I’m not capable of fixing things around the house I just like to let her feel extra valuable by doing all those things, plus I’m in charge of the bugs, already, so get off my back!  I can’t do everything around the house…Okay, I’m lying.  I don’t really know how to fix things at all, in fact, I can barely tell a Phillips head from Joe’s head.  (But I can at least spell Phillips head and knew not to put the apostrophe in there.  That should be good for something.)

I was careful, above, when I said “I take care of the bugs” and “I’m in charge of them,” for the readers that may be aghast now that I might injure the poor little insects.  Let me say that I do it in the most humane way.  When I see a bug in the house I very carefully and caressingly stun it into submission while I then find it a new home.  Admittedly, I sometimes also give them a new shape and size as determined by the angle that I step on them and the new home is in the trash can but I do try to think nice thoughts as I do it, such as, “Ha-ha, gotcha, you little…”

I like to make their new home in the trash can because if I see the other bugs having a funeral for their friend in there so much the better.   Then it is bonus time for the Bug Man! And I get to add them to my kill …or, ah, I mean, stun total.

I also do other manly chores around the house like washing the dishes, for example.  I get them really clean too, at least in my opinion.  I have heard occasional complaints about food residue being left on the outside of pans.  My theory on that is to let it go; it’s only the outside of the pan for god sake!  The next time the pan is used the food residue will help heat up the pan that much faster, thereby saving energy.  It makes it a very “green” thing to do, especially if the residue is green to start out with.

I also do cleaning around the house but I have to admit I am only good getting at surface dirt that you get in dusting and vacuuming, plus you get to vacuum up an occasional bug, which is really cool!   I think the deeper cleaning should be left to the professionals.  Okay now, if you were thinking I meant the professionals were women then you are the sexist, not me.  Besides that, my hands don’t fit into those rubber gloves very well.  (Yeah I know they have different sizes but let’s keep that between you and me.)

Lest anyone still have any attention on the life span of insects in my house let me assure everyone that no bugs were injured or killed in the writing of this article.  But after I’m done those little critters better run for the hills because I’m feelin’ manly!

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