Monday, July 25, 2011

Letterman's Top Ten from 7/18/11 to 7/21/11

Here are some of David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You're Too Hot

10 You were just named People Magazine's "Sweatiest Man Alive"

9 For you, business casual means a necktie and underpants

8 You begged Rupert Murdoch to hack into a Dairy Queen

7 You were caught texting photos of your heat rash

6 Your sunburns have sunburns: Kids, remember, Dave says wear sunscreen

5 Your baby daughter's first word: "clammy"

4 Your sweat is sweating — Kids, remember, Dave says drink plenty of liquids

3 Instead of the maid, you're spending time with the pool boy (Schwarzenegger only)

2 Every now and then your butt sizzles and smells like bacon

1 You sit through a taping of the “Late Show” just for the air conditioning

 

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing

10 Was filmed on the same soundstage where they shot "Green Acres"

9 Due to mapping error, initially landed in Moon Valley, Wisconsin

8 They returned to the moon a week later because one of the astronauts dropped his car keys

7 The astronauts each earned 2 million frequent flyer miles

6 Buzz Aldrin stuffed his space suit to make himself look bigger

5 Crew came to blows over who finished the freeze-dried lasagna

4 Astronauts were charged extra for not returning the capsule with a full tank of gas

3 Landed within 50 feet of a Starbucks

2 President Nixon missed the landing because he was watching "Ironside"

1 Neil Armstrong was also the first man on Mrs. Armstrong

 

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch's Mind During the Pie Attack

10 "Hey, free pie!"

9 "This would have made a great cover for 'News of the World'"

8 "How did he get past the pie detector?"

7 "A pie fight in Parliament — what is this, Benny Hill?"

6 "Duh, winning?"

5 "I was Punk'd — wait is Punk'd still on the air? Who writes this stuff?"

4 "Mmmm tasty"

3 "You know what was funny — remember that smoking baby?"

2 "Don't pie me, bro!"

1 "It's the same guy who broke into Letterman's theater"
 

 

Top Ten Pieces of Wisdom From Dave's Mom

10 Paying taxes is for losers

9 Neighbor's stereo too loud? Cut his power lines

8 If you're going to vandalize the Ed Sullivan Theater, disable the security cameras first

7 Whenever Regis calls, pretend your hearing aid is on the blink

6 If you catch a player's 3,000th hit, sell the ball and buy a Corvette

5 Always tip the dealer

4 No one cares how you feel

3 There's big money in black market cigarettes

2 Never bring a stun gun onboard an airplane

1 Tell your son his show is great, even if you prefer Leno, Kimmel, Stewart, Colbert, Conan, Fallon, Ferguson, and Lopez

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