Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:
"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as 'Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they're raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion." –Craig Ferguson
"Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps." –Craig Ferguson
"The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it's not called a memoir, it's called a diary." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as 'adorable but also substantial,' while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as 'court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in." –Jimmy Fallon
"Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God." –Conan O'Brien
"The economics professor who helped craft President Obama's healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama's healthcare plan." –Conan O'Brien
"An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn't realize that only the government hires more people than it needs." –Jay Leno
"Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?" –Jay Leno
"Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore’s new network. I’m not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al." –Jay Leno
"There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?" –Jay Leno
"Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn't too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it." –Jay Leno
"The head of Homeland Security told people at the game, if they saw anything not right give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the National Anthem. The good news, you can’t accuse her of lip syncing." –Jay Leno
"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen." –Jay Leno
"Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner.' And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning." –Conan O'Brien
"Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, 'Dude, that's not really helping.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They're being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane." –Conan O'Brien
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