This week we have our occasional guest columnist back to spew more of her venom….uh, I mean advice to our readers.
Let’s welcome Dear Crabby. How are you, Crabby?
“I’m doing well, in spite of that introduction. I heard that you have a book that will be released on darnfunnyonline.com in the next week or two.”
Thanks for mentioning that Crabby, yes, look for it on the website and newsletter. The title is “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That.” I’m excited about it. Gee, I’m not used to you being so nice, Crabby.
“You said you were going to pay me to plug your book. You’re still paying me aren’t you?”
Um, ah, yeah we’ll talk about that later. (I was trying to stay in character, since we really don’t like each other very much…yeah, the check is in the mail.)
Anyway, now that that’s over, I’ll turn it over to you Crabby.
“It’s about time. Our first letter is from a man who doesn’t think he has to help his wife unpack after moving. He signs his letter, ‘Moving.’”
MOVING: My wife and I moved into a new house recently. I had to do all the heavy lifting when we moved the boxes and now she wants me to help her unpack too. I felt like my work was over once I got the boxes into the house. What do you think, Crabby?
CRABBY: Dear Moving, I hope you don’t expect me to be moved by your letter. If I was you wife the only thing I’d be moving is my foot up your ass. What is it with you lazy men? You do a little work and you want all this sympathy. I’m guessing your wife did all the packing, arranged the move and even helped you move a lot of the boxes into the house. Get off your lazy butt, which I’m guessing is growing as we speak, and help you sweet wife out a little bit.
“The next letter is from another shiftless male complaining about his wife. He signs his letter, ‘Town Crier.’”
Town Crier: Every time my wife wants something it seems like she turns on the waterworks. When she cries then I always give in. I feel like I’m being manipulated. Am I being too soft with her, Crabby?
Crabby: Dear Town Crier, I’m pretty sure the only thing soft about you is your head. If you ever let her have anything without crying maybe she wouldn’t have to cry all the time. You men disgust me. If I had you here, I’d show you a thing or two about…
Whoa, whoa, Crabby. This is Steve again. I had to interrupt because it sounds like you are being even more hostile than normal. I mean you are usually kind of a…uh, well, bitch is the only word I can think of, but this is ridiculous.
“Fine, we’ll go to the next letter.”
We don’t have time for anymore letters, Crabby. Plus, I’m afraid you’ll scare off the readers.
“No time!? That’s because you did that shameless plug in the beginning.”
It wouldn’t have been shameless if you kept your mouth shut about the money.
(Smiling evilly.) Glad I could help.
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