Here is another classic from the Burns and Allen radio show starring George Burns and Gracie Allen:
(A telephone rings, and Gracie, behind the cigar counter, picks up the phone)
Gracie: Hello. Oh hello, Mary, I was just going to call you. When are you giving me the surprise party?…Tuesday night…Sure I've got a new dress, I'm wearing it…What time Tuesday night?…Oh, you can't tell me, that's the surprise…. Sounds like fun. Tuesday night, don't forget to be there…. Goodbye.
(She hangs up as a customer comes up to the counter)
Customer: I'll have two of those cigars
Gracie: That'll be twenty cents.
Customer: Here's five dollars.
(She gives him the cigar and rings up the money)
Gracie: Anything else?
Customer: Yes, four-eighty.
Gracie: We haven't got cigars for four-eighty.
Customer: Who wants cigars for four-eighty? I want two cigars for twenty cents.
Gracie: I think you're silly to pay four-eighty for cigars that only cost twenty cents.
Customer: (Exasperated) Four-eighty! Twenty cents! I don't want any cigars! Here's your cigars, now give me back my five dollars!
Gracie: Oh, we never refund money, and besides you had no right to leave the counter before counting your change.
Customer: Leave the counter, count my change!! I didn't leave the counter, I didn't get any change!!
Gracie: Look, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had yesterday. I'm going to call the house detective.
(Calls)
Mr. Sweeney! Mr. Sweeney!
(Mr. Sweeney, a big, tall, burly man, enters)
Sweeney: Yes, Miss Allen, what is it?
(She gives him the two cigars)
Gracie: Here, have two cigars.
Sweeney: Oh, I couldn't, Miss Allen.
Gracie: Take them, they're paid for.
(He takes them)
Sweeney: Thanks. Now what's the problem?
Gracie: Mr. Sweeney, this man bought two cigars for twenty cents and gave me five dollars. How much do I owe him?
Sweeney: Four dollars and eighty cents.
Gracie: And four-eighty from five dollars is what?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: And how much are two cigars at ten cents apiece?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: Then doesn't that make us even?
Sweeney: Yes, I guess it does.
Gracie: Then throw this crook out....
Sweeney: Come on, get out of here.
(He drags the customer off)
Gracie: (Calling after him) I should have known yesterday I was going to have trouble with you today!
(George enters)
George: Hello, Gracie.
Gracie: Hello, George. Don't forget the party Tuesday night.
George: Gracie, it's supposed to be a surprise.
Gracie: Oh, you spoiled it for me....
George: I'm sorry. Let me have two cigars for twenty cents.
(He gives her twenty cents. She rings it up and gives him the cigars)
Gracie: Here's your four-eighty change.
George: Gracie, you're a little mixed up. I didn't give you five dollars. I gave you twenty cents.
Gracie: Now, listen, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had with that other fellow?
George: Not with me. I can use four-eighty. I haven't got a cent, I'm a pauper.
Gracie: You're a what?
George: I'm a pauper.
Gracie: Oh, congratulations, boy or girl?
George: I really don't know.
Gracie: Well, you better find out. Your brother will want to know if he's an uncle or an aunt.
George: I'll phone him when I get home.... Say, Gracie, do you know who you remind me of?
Gracie: I know, I was taken once for Clara Bow.
George: Well, that's show business.... You were taken once for Clara Bow, and I was taken once for grand larceny.
Gracie: George, don't be silly, you don't look a bit like him....
George: He's sort of a big, tall blond fellow.
Gracie: I know, and he's a very good dancer.
George: Say, you've got a pretty nice job here.
Gracie: Job? I could have had two jobs. This one at ten dollars a week and another one at forty dollars a week.
George: Then why did you take this job?
Gracie: Because I figure that if I lose a ten-dollar job instead of a forty-dollar job, I'll be saving thirty dollars.
George: Look, at thirty dollars a week, at the end of the year you'll have saved yourself fifteen hundred dollars.
Gracie: Sure, if I'm out of work for ten years, I'll have enough money to retire.
George:Do you mind if I change the subject?
Gracie: No, this is a free country.
George: That's a nice dress you have on.
Gracie: I'm glad you like it. It's my party dress for Tuesday night. My sisters, Jean and Alice, are going, too. They're twins, you know.
George: I didn't know you had twin sisters.
Gracie: They really should be triplets, because I think Alice is two-faced.
George:Do they look exactly alike?
Gracie: Oh, yeah.
George: Is it hard to tell them apart?
Gracie: Standing up or sitting down?
George:What difference does it make?
Gracie: Well, we noticed when Alice sits down and Jean stands up....
George: Jean seems taller.
Gracie: Yeah.... Even though they look exactly alike it's easy to tell them apart because Alice is married.
George: And Jean is single.
Gracie: No, Jean is married, too.
George: Well, how do you tell them apart?
Gracie: Jean is the one who has a swimming pool.
George: And Alice?
Gracie: She sleeps on the floor.
George: She sleeps on the floor?
Gracie: She's got high blood pressure and she's trying to keep it down.
George: But Jean is the own with the swimming pool.
Gracie: Yeah, we were there yesterday and we had such fun. We were diving, and doing back flips, and we'll even have more fun tomorrow when they put water in it.
George: Well, exercise is good for you.
Gracie: That's why we took the old woman with us.
George: Your mother?
Gracie: No, the old woman who lives with us. She's been with us for five weeks now.
George: Is it your aunt?
Gracie: We don't even know her. She just wanders around the house and does anything she wants.
George: Now let me get this. There's an old woman who wanders around your house and does anything she wants, and you don't even know her?
Gracie: Sure. You see, my sister bought a ticket.
George: A ticket?
Gracie: You see, they ran a raffle for a poor old woman, and....
George: Your sister won.
Gracie: Yeah....
George: Gracie, let's talk about anything except your family.
Gracie: Then you don't want to talk about my brother.
George: No.
Gracie: You're sure.
George: Yeah.
Gracie: He's very tall, you know.
George: Gracie, I don't want to talk about your brother.
Gracie: He's an undercover agent.
George: An undercover agent? Is he in the secret service?
Gracie: No, he knows about it.
George: Maybe I shouldn't have asked.
Gracie: Last week he went out on a murder case, and do you know he found that man in an hour.
George: He found the murderer in an hour?
Gracie: No, the man who was killed.
George: Not only is your brother tall, but he's fast.
Gracie: Oh yeah... And then Mr. and Mrs. Jones were having matrimonial trouble, and my brother was hired to watch Mrs. Jones.
George: Well, I imagine she was a very attractive woman.
Gracie: She was, and my brother watched her day and night for six months.
George: Well, what happened?
Gracie: She finally got a divorce.
George: Mrs. Jones?
Gracie: No, my brother's wife.
George: Gracie, I've enjoyed every minute of it, but we've run out of time. So just wave goodbye to everybody.
Gracie: Don't you want to hear about my Aunt Clara?
George: No.
Gracie: She's not only tall, but she's fat.
George: I don't want to hear about her.
Gracie: She's the one who collects all the clothes.
George: Gracie, we'll do that in our next short.
Gracie: Do you promise?
George: I promise.
Gracie: Good. Then I'll wave and say goodbye to everybody. Goodbye, everybody.
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