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Here are some very funny quotes by a variety of famous people, some comedians and some not:
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. -Groucho Marx
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. -Erma Bombeck
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -George Bernard Shaw
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. -Bob Hope
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. -Kevin Nealon
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -Yogi Berra
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." -Claude Peppers
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -Lana Turner
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. -Jerry Seinfeld
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. -Bill Cosby
All men are equal before fish. -Herbert Hoover
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. -Casey Stengel
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. -Bill Cosby
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. -Hedy Lamarr
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -Groucho Marx
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. -Buddy Hackett
Be obscure clearly. -E. B. White
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. -P. J. O’Rourke
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. -Jim Carrey
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