Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:
"Dick Cheney's new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive." –Jay Leno
"This book is not for the faint–hearted. It was written by the faint–hearted." –Jay Leno
"Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time." –Jay Leno
"The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry." –Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney's new memoir will be a best seller. I think it's published by 'Simon & Shooter.'" –David Letterman
"If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney's memoir came out at midnight . In Washington, D.C. this is like a 'Harry Potter' book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other's nipples. Then they heard about Cheney's book coming out." –Craig Ferguson
"Reviewers say Cheney's book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they're lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush's dog Barney. He says, 'That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country." –David Letterman
"Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?" –David Letterman
"Moammar Gadhafi had a photo album of pictures of Condoleezza Rice. Who doesn't have one of those?" –David Letterman
"Gadhafi is apparently on the run, though today he released a message congratulating Beyonce on her pregnancy." –David Letterman
"Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too." –Jay Leno
"Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back." –Jay Leno
"They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years." –Jay Leno
"New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned." –Jay Leno
"The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney's positions – but to be fair, so has Romney." –Jay Leno
"Vice President Joe Biden has been in China meeting with the Chinese Vice President. One embarrassing moment during the trip when he met the Chinese Vice President's children, he said, 'What factory do you work in? Those are nice sneakers, did you make those?'" –Jay Leno
"Happy birthday to Sen. John McCain, who turned 75 today. He celebrated with a party that was going just fine – until he invited Sarah Palin." –Craig Ferguson
"Get this. In a recent interview, Dick Cheney said that his new memoir will have quote 'heads exploding' in D.C. Yeah, especially if you read it while you're on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney." –Jimmy Fallon
President Obama’s uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president’s life was Joe Biden? –Jay Leno
How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt. –Jay Leno
The three crew members on the international space station may leave early because a rocket bringing supplies crashed. They have some food left, but it’s all in the mini-bar, and that’s really expensive in space. –Jay Leno
I’m feeling pretty good. I finally got myself weaned off the Weather Channel. –David Letterman
The show last night was so bad that the audience called Mayor Bloomberg and demanded to be evacuated. –David Letterman
The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi’s weapons don’t fall into the wrong hands. Weren’t they already in the wrong hands? –David Letterman
The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It’s only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call. –Jimmy Fallon
In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet. –Jimmy Fallon
Researchers found that your first decision is usually your right one. Then they were like, “Scratch that, the second decision — that’s the right one.” –Jimmy Fallon
Chick-fil-A is offering free breakfast for an entire week. Although if you eat breakfast at Chick-fil-A for an entire week, you’re going to pay a price. –Jimmy Fallon
Hey, I heard that 7-Eleven is now selling potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Seriously? I’m still waiting for 7-Eleven to sell hot dogs that taste like hot dogs. –Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage. –Jimmy Fallon
That’s right, after couples get divorced, men gain the most weight. While women gain the most stuff. –Jimmy Fallon
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