Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:
"President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." –Conan O'Brien
"Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'" –Conan O'Brien
"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien
"In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you." –Conan O'Brien
"The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president." –Jay Leno
"Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders." –Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That's how bad." –Jay Leno
"According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president." –Jimmy Fallon
"A new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet." –Jimmy Fallon
"His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …" –Jimmy Fallon
"There's a commemorative 9/11 Merlot, perfect for when you're drinking to never forget. " –Stephen Colbert
The movie “Contagion” is about an outbreak of an infectious disease. I was thinking about that while I was shaking everyone’s hands. –Jay Leno
Do you know why most of the people died in the movie? They were denied treatment because their HMO called it a pre-existing condition. –Jay Leno
Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they’re warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended. –Jay Leno
There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN. –Jay Leno
A South Carolina man was arrested for sneaking a taser gun into a football game and using it on somebody. The man was arrested — and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders. –Conan O’Brien
A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year. -Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook. -Jimmy Kimmel
Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don’t like this focus on paying for things. That’s what future generations are for. -Jimmy Kimmel
The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins. -Jimmy Fallon
Instead of sending in a written resume, a man in California recently got a job because of a YouTube video he made. As opposed to most people, who lose their job because of a YouTube video they made. -Jimmy Fallon
Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy. –Jay Leno
The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, “At least President Obama created one new job.” –Jay Leno
Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of “The View.” So apparently he’s willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point. –Jay Leno
After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can’t figure out if he’s the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials. –Jay Leno
President Obama’s re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden. –Conan O’Brien
Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, “Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien
A company in Denmark has released a solid gold phone that costs more than $57,000. They say it’s the coolest phone you’ll ever drop in your toilet. –Conan O’Brien
President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them. –Jimmy Kimmel
If I was president, I’d freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo. –Jimmy Kimmel
The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, “Hey, no rush.” –Jimmy Fallon
A town in Minnesota has canceled plans to change the name of a street called “Stoner Avenue.” It’s a weird street. Instead of saying, “Stop,” all the signs just say, “Chill, bro.” –Jimmy Fallon
A week after releasing him into the wild, scientists have lost track of a penguin named Happy Feet. Of course, polar bears know the penguin by his new name: “Tasty Feet.” –Jimmy Fallon
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