Here are David Letterman's top ten lists from last week, always very witty: 9/19/11 to 9/22/11.
Top Ten Things a Candidate Shouldn't Say During a Presidential Debate
10. Yeah, I killed a guy
9. 50 states? When did Puerto Rico get in?
8. Can you repeat the question? I was thinking about cookies
7. If elected, my cabinet will feature at least three Kardashians
6. I don't know a damn thing about the economy, but I do know this: Chaz Bono dances like an angel
5. Can anyone beat Angry Birds, Level 16? I can't kill the pig with the mustache
4. It's-a-not-so bad, it's-a nice-a place — Ah, shaddup you face
3. Hey, Republican spelled backwards is "Nacilbuper"
2. As my good friend Osama bin Laden once said . . ."
1. Senior citizens can bite my a**
Top Ten Rejected Genius Grant Projects
10 Self-cleaning monkey
9 Bacon-free bacon
8 Phone directory of wrong numbers
7 Eating so many tacos it's ridiculous
6 Determining whether Minka Kelly is "hot" or "smokin' hot"
5 Something called the Clambulance, for injured mollusks
4 New miracle hairpiece for Dave
3 An Oreo with 10 layers
2 Wearing fedora without looking like a jerk
1 Michele O'Bachmann for President campaign
Top Ten Items On The United Nations General Assembly Agenda
10 Screw with the Swedes
9 Recap highlights from last night's "Two and a Half Men"
8 Goodbye, Euro. Hello, Chuck E. Cheese tokens
7 Pass resolution that Steve Carell "was robbed" at the Emmys
6 Gently break it to the Russians that they've been writing their Rs backwards all these years
5 Finally nail down which one's Uruguay and which one's Paraguay
4 Pitch sitcom about Greece and United States called "Two Broke Countries"
3 Do whatever China says
2 Congratulate whatever country came up with the "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" books, because those were awesome
1 Debate whether to renew the Letterman fatwa
Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama's Deficit Plan
10 Pay everything off with a giant bake sale on the White House lawn
9 New 10,000 percent tax on waffles — no way people are giving up their waffles!
8 Congressional Super Committee now reports to even more powerful Super Duper Committee
7 Medicare no longer covers butt X-rays
6 From now on, quarters are worth 26 cents
5 Change the definition of the word “deficit”
4 Seniors must wait until they're 112 before they can collect Social Security
3 Open more post offices — those places are money machines!
2 Congressmen must pay hookers in cash
1 Jets giving three and a half in Cincy — it's like found money
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